Whoops.

Umm, yeah. No excuse really for ignoring the blog, just haven't really thought about it much to update here.

Not sure where I want to take this blog. Personal updates of "I took the kids to school, did housework, blah blah blah" don't make for a particularly interesting read (or that great for me to write either.)

However I don't want to stop writing about stuff that I feel passionately about, angry about or just generally WTF about. Do I use prompts to help me get the creative juices following? Do I pimp myself out on other blogs I read to try and get more inspiration there? (If you are following me, then ideas of what to write about would be greatly appreciated.)

It isn't like I don't have enough time to get on here, but that may be part of the problem. Too much free time. Often it is when I am busy that I think of wicked things to write about, but by the time I sit down to write about it, I forget what I thought of.

So, do I write about politics? Our fucked up society? The state of the planet? Sex? Religion? Steps reforming?

Universe! Send me some ideas!!

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

New Job

No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.

I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.

I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.

Blah.

I iz a Rawk Chick!

In little over a week, I am off to THIS. I am so looking forward to it and rocking out all over the place. I haven't seriously had a Great Big Let It All Out moment, let alone weekend for SUCH A LONG TIME.

I will confess I am quite the control freak sometimes. Well, actually a lot of the time. Partly because I am a parent of young children, and you HAVE to be in control the whole damn time with them as it's your job. But even when I don't have to be, I still rein myself in a lot.

I am not sure why though. Is it because I know that if I let go then it might get a bit scary and wild? I keep lots of stuff tightly held up inside, because I don't want to scare people. I am a bit of a nutcase. Not in a psychotic way, just my view of life is often very different from other people. People share things with me, often expecting me to be appalled and shocked, and I am like, "whatever floats your boat". The real exception to that stuff that hurts other people. That ain't on. (And I mean hurt people in a malicious or illegal way, BDSM doesn't faze me whatsoever.)

Sometimes I do feel really confined into a little box of my own making. It isn't a horrible box that I need to escape from, just sometimes I need to get out and stretch myself and run around like a loon.


(More to come later. Maybe.)

Oh Muse, where art thou?

I want to be an Artist.
I want to be Artistic.
It just isn't happening.

When I was at school, I loved art. (I still love art.) My art teacher was lovely and encouraging and all those good things that teachers should be. However when I reached GCSE age, I had a new teacher. He was not lovely and encouraging. He had his set favourites in his class, and I blatantly wasn't one of them. He absolutely sucked the joy out of me.

It has taken me literally years to recover. However, my problem is that the years of inactivity have taken its toll and I am quite frankly crap now. I tried drawing when I went away for the wedding a few weeks back, and actually got a bit upset about how rubbish I am now.

Now I know that I do have a bit of talent, buried somewhere. I can look back at my artwork from my school days, and see the talent there. But how do I get it back again?

(I know the answer, I just need to work through it and JUST DO IT!)

Bouncing Ferrets!

My Biggest Flaw

Is probably PROCRASTINATION.

I seem to find lots of ways to not get on with what I need to get on with. For a start, I could be doing housework, as my daughter is napping. What am I doing? Blogging. About procrastinating. Yeah...

It's one of the reasons why I started the 101/1001 thing. Listing all the things I want to achieve makes them more real and I am more likely to actually do them.

But why do I procrastinate so much? I think a lot of it may be boredom if I am honest. I am not one of these Domestic Goddesses that loves housework. Much rather be a Domestic Slut! (Slut in the sense of messy and not very houseproud, not the sexualised version. See here, Domestic Sluttery) I loathe housework, it never ends. As soon as I get anything put away and tidy, it gets pulled out, used and left. So yes. Boredom is a major factor.

I suppose I can give myself credit that I don't tend to procrastinate about the Big Things. If something of importance has to be done, I usually get on and do it. Which is odd. If I do the biggies, why do the little things get ignored?

Perhaps some of it is Fear. Am I scared of going the whole hog on certain areas of my life because I am unsure of the outcomes or that I might not manage it? I do know I certainly hate failure. And having cocked up things like driving tests more than once, twice...(cough, and the rest!) I do not have any inclination of doing it again! Like my Maths GCSE. I don't have a grade sufficient to go into Teacher Training. I know I should just do it again, and then at least it opens up the option of TT in the future, but how will I feel if I fail it again?

Another factor to consider is Confusion. I really don't know what I am doing or where I am going at the moment. Some of that is because of an outside influence that I have no mundane control over, (however magick is being flung in it's direction to sort it out!) It does mean that we are stuck in this situation until it is sorted out. So even if I had any big plans they would be put in on hold.

I want to have some big plans though. I want to know that I have a future doing what I enjoy, is worthwhile, and while it doesn't have to make loads of money, a comfortable income would be appreciated. But when you just don't have a Scooby as to what you want to do, it makes it difficult to plan things.

So how do I sort this out? Any ideas? :P

Boredom is only sorted by doing Not Boring things. Housework is never going to be interesting to me. Could I hire a cleaner? Not really. Get the family to help. LOL! Yeah. Working Hubs tries to help, but is at work lots. DS is nearly 8, and DD is 1 and a half. Not really going to happen. DS does help to a point, but then makes mess elsewhere.

Fear. If I stopped failing at things, then I might not be so afraid of failure. Self defeating I am aware, but it doesn't change that feeling. Maybe do some tasks that I won't fail at? Aiming to do that with the 101/1001 list. I know that no-one thinks bad of me if I don't always succeed, but my Capricorn self has a really really hard time accepting it.

Confusion. I really really need a plan. I think that has to be my priority.

Well, that's it folks. Any advice on stopping procrastination would be appreciated, but be nice, since telling me to get off my lazy arse won't really help me much. (I say it to myself enough.)