All I Am.

You call me fat

To try and make me cry.

What’s it got to do with you?

I always wonder why.

My body is mine,

And none of me is yours.

To do with as I wish,

To please and adore.

My body is made of beauty 

And has created life.

My body makes me a mother

And makes me a wife.

My body holds my spirit inside.

There gets no better than that.

So I really don't need to give a shit,

If you think all I am is fat.

Identity

What defines a person's identity? Is identity a social construct or self-defined boxes that we create for ourselves?

Is it what other people think of you? Is it the image that you have in your head about yourself? A mixture of the two, or something entirely different?

We think we have a certain amount of control over our identities, but really are we just constrained with what society expects of us, or what our family and friends want from us?

When you meet people for the first time can you ever be truly authentic in how you put yourself across, or do you just be yourself, warts and all? Do you put yourself forward as something that you aren't and then revert to true type after a certain amount of time?

I will admit identity is something that I think about a lot. Possibly because I am aware that I perhaps have more than one identity and will only let certain trusted friends into what might be considered to be the real me. Does that mean that the me that goes around on a daily basis is false, or just a more subdued version of me? Hopefully it is just a more subdued version of me. Diluted for generic public consumption.

However is holding back being authentic and genuine? Can aspects of a subdued personality actually do you a disservice when people take you at face value and make no attempt to get to know you any further than that? However if that is the case, then surely that is the issue of the person making the assumptions rather than the person who withholds some of themselves?

What reasons could there be for withholding the real you from whomever you met?
The simplest reasons I can imagine would be shyness and self-preservation. True friendship is earnt and while you can see the potential for possible true friends quite early in a relationship, I think we all have had experience of someone showing their not so pleasant true colours later on, and getting our fingers burnt (or hearts broken).

I think at the end of the day, I can't really be anyone that I am not, and although I might show different facets of myself to different people in different situations, they are still only parts of the one whole. And it takes a very special person who I will allow to see the whole Me.

Whoops.

Umm, yeah. No excuse really for ignoring the blog, just haven't really thought about it much to update here.

Not sure where I want to take this blog. Personal updates of "I took the kids to school, did housework, blah blah blah" don't make for a particularly interesting read (or that great for me to write either.)

However I don't want to stop writing about stuff that I feel passionately about, angry about or just generally WTF about. Do I use prompts to help me get the creative juices following? Do I pimp myself out on other blogs I read to try and get more inspiration there? (If you are following me, then ideas of what to write about would be greatly appreciated.)

It isn't like I don't have enough time to get on here, but that may be part of the problem. Too much free time. Often it is when I am busy that I think of wicked things to write about, but by the time I sit down to write about it, I forget what I thought of.

So, do I write about politics? Our fucked up society? The state of the planet? Sex? Religion? Steps reforming?

Universe! Send me some ideas!!

THE ONLY WITCH IN THE VILLAGE!!!

I am moving overseas at the end of August. Exciting but eversoslightly terrifying as well. It has literally been on the cards for years, just have never been completely sure what the Big Change that was promised would actually be. (Was really really hoping it wasn't another baby as I so don't want/need to be doing that again.)

So yeah, when Hubs got a job on the other side of the world, I Knew that this was it. A chance to leave behind all the crap of the UK and start again.

It is rather overwhelming when I think of it too much and I wonder what it will be like. The seasons are opposite to here, so we will be moving into the Spring Equinox energy when we get there. It gives us the opportunity to move away from the Christianised version of the Sabbats, since Easter will be at the Autumn Equinox, and Christmas will be in the middle of the Summer. (Which undoubtedly will mess with my tiny little mind a lot.)

The one thing is does mean that although Christmas may be happening in the Summer, we can still have our Winter Solstice celebrations (Yule) and make a big deal out of it, which will help to alleviate some of the confusion that the kids may have. (Yes, Pagans get to have two Crimbos!)

What I have wondered though, is will I be the only Witchy type Pagan out there? I have been told that there is someone out there, (described as a White Witchy type, which makes my hackles rise, but may just be a Non-Pagan's description of them.) Whether or not they will have anything in common with me, remains to be seen, but it would be nice to think that we might do.

However, if we don't, so be it. I shall cope. It will be interesting to see what happens to my Witchcraft and stuff when I have more time and space to get on and do it. Who knows, I might even set up my own Trad! :P

Sorta Rape, Not Real Rape... (Warning...possible triggers.)

There has been a lot in the press this week stemming from comments made by a couple of Conservative MPs (and one MEP.)

Firstly Nadine Dorries introduced the Bill, that if passed would mean that girls between the ages of 11-15 would have lessons in sexual abstinance. Just girls, mind you. Not boys... Guardian article on the Bill

Then in a television interview, she came out with, I quote;
“If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."

Later that same week, Ken Clarke came out with comments that could be construed as meaning that some rapes are somehow less than other. He did try to clarify what he meant, but still managed to show his little understanding of what he was talking about in the first place. Ken Clark Clarifies?

He was then defended by the MEP, Roger Helmer, who definitely feels some rape is worse than other rape. "Women share some of the responsibilty"

Let's just say it's been a bad week for Tory politicians opening their mouths without thought, but also a bad week for us all when we look at these views in a broader perspective.

Nadine Dorries...WTF? Seriously? My mind cannot comprehend that a modern woman would come out with this claptrap. But when you take on board her religious and political beliefs (Fundie and very RightWing) it all becomes clear. I really don't even have to pull her ideas apart to show how ridiculous they are. But unfortunately, there are those that while agree that her Bill for single sex abstinance education is ridiculous fail to see how those ideas translate into the comments that her male colleagues make later in the week.

If we are teaching young girls that they must hold ALL sexual responsibility, as women, they STILL must hold that responsibility at all times, and if they are raped, then somehow it must be their fault. Your clothing, your attitude, your whereabouts, your alcohol consumption are all questioned in an attempt to show how a woman's actions contribute to her rape. And if you happen to be raped by someone you know (the majority of all rapes) then all of that, AND your sexual history is taken into account.

Dorries' comments that “If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."

Because when a sexual predator is about to abuse someone, saying no always stops them...What? You mean it doesn't?

Abuse isn't about sex. Like rape, abuse is about POWER! The power of one person over another!

I know I will be preaching to the converted here, but rape and abuse is about violent power over another. It isn't just about sex, or sexual gratification, it has a whole load of other nasties wrapped up along with it.

But the bottom line is, if a woman or man says they don't want to have sex at ANY point of the act, they have that right, and whoever they are with MUST STOP NO MATTER WHAT!

It infantalises and demeans men when the notion that they are somehow incapable of stopping having sex at any given moment is put forward as an excuse, and that when they have an erection or intercourse, that their minds switch off entirely and they become little more than drooling sexual automatons.

On a very personal note, I will share some of my more nasty sexual experiences...(Possible Trigger Alert)

The first time I had sex. I was sixteen, a bit of a social klutz, and generally a bit of a emo teenage mess. I was unsure if I wanted to do anything, but found myself led along and plied with alcohol, so when I really did want to stop, it didn't happen. I "changed my mind" at the last moment, so I know that I fall into that catagory of "it's not proper rape", but imho he had the power, he didn't stop when I wanted him to, and while I don't feel I have any long lasting damage from the event, it still means the first time I had sex is not something I feel fondly about.

I once met someone and went on a few dates with him. He was quite a bit older than me (at Uni while I was still at school.) He was nice enough, and then one Saturday morning, I met him at his digs thinking we were going to go out. As I turned up, his housemates were leaving. He was still in a dressing gown. To cut a long story short, I spent most my time trying to fend off his advances, to stop him trying to "persuade" me to go upstairs with me, and it ended with me managing to get out of the house. (Thank the Gods it wasn't locked.) and ran to a friend's house around the corner. At her house, I managed to rearrange my clothes and refasten my bra that he had managed to undo. Was this a sexual assault? Probably. Did I tell anyone other than my friends? No. Did I think I was an idiot for getting myself into that situation? Yes. However, I didn't ask for any of it, I wasn't expecting it, and why should he have thought he could get into knickers just because he felt like it.

On more than one occasion, I have had my hand forced down someone's trousers to get them off. Even to the point, that the young man in question didn't want me, he wanted my friend, but when I went out of the party to tell him that, he felt he would make do with me instead...

I have lost count of the times I have had my breasts groped and poked by men thinking that because I have spoken to them, maybe even kissed them, that I was "up for it".

It doesn't happen anymore. I am older and wiser and know how not to get myself into those situations. (Or as some arse would say, I am fatter and uglier now...a whole different issue in itself).

I never reported or told anyone (who could/would do anything about them) about these incidents, but I can guarantee that every woman out there probably has similar tales. Does this mean we were all asking for it?

Tattoos I want...

And probably will never have the guts to do! ;)

A combination of Celtic knot-work with Indian Henna style patterns.
A Mouse
A circle of holly leaves and oak leaves, with berries and acorns.
A triple moon
A dragon.

From my more Witchy Blog

This is a post from one of my other blogs, which is more Witchcraft and Spirituality based.

Magick in the Back of Beyond

I would have just crossposted it, but my highlighting thingey isn't working, which is a pain in the bum.

Europe - Carrie

Oh, the hair, the cigarette lighters waved in the air until we burnt our fingers, the bad leather, the bad denim. Memories... :D

This is me. Age 9. About the same age as my son is now. The hair is blonde, not grey, although my mother says I was 40 from the age of 4, my hair didn't show it. :P

I was a pretty little thing, although I didn't really feel it. Once again, hindsight is 20:20 and I was quite a sad little thing too. There were (are) father issues. Not anything too serious in some ways, but serious enough to have a lasting effect.

I can see both my son and daughter in this picture. My son seems to have inherited my somewhat melancholy nature. I want to shield them both from the harshness that can be our world, but I don't want to smother them in cotton wool and leave them vulnerable to the reality of life.

I try to show them what is good in the world too. My daughter is shouting "Spring is coming, Spring is coming" as we point to the buds and blossoms forming on the trees.

I want them to be happier than I was as a child. It is a work in progress.

Old post.

Thought I would bring an old post to the surface.

Here it is,

Jump!

They Watch.

She sat in the circle. Alone and vulnerable, with only a line of salt to protect her. Her only light a single candle. They looked at her from the outside. They couldn’t reach her without breaching the circle.
They knew what she was getting herself into, but they could not warn her. They knew nothing would be the same once again. They hoped it would not burn her soul too much.
Placed in front of the woman was a goblet. Dark liquid filled its bowl. They watched her mutter some strange incantation and lift the vessel to her mouth. She drank it down. Her eyes opened and her Universe shattered into sharp pieces.

Bitch.

Yes. Yes I am.

Today I need to play this song loudly.

Bitch - Meredith Brooks

Loyalty

I am probably a bit too loyal.

If I have made the decision to be your friend, then it takes an awful lot for me to end that friendship. Only when I have had my heart pulled out and trampled on will I walk away. And even then, under some circumstances I will let them back in if they had a good enough reason for being so horrid in the first place.

So it is really really hard for me to deal with a friend who says they are my friend, want to continue to be my friend, but make bugger all effort in actually BEING a friend. I give them so much slack, but it hurts when I feel like they don't care.

I have other friends who are equally elusive, but I know their reasons for it. Work is often hectic and unpredictable, or just time-consuming. Some live miles away, so we don't get together often. I don't have an issue with that. I don't live a life where I can just drop everything for a beer or coffee, so I do understand.

What I don't understand is, just not giving a shit about me any more, when they say they are my friend. No returning calls, replying to emails or texts, yet then ringing me randomly for a long chat and being the lovely person they can be.

So, when is it time to say enough is enough?

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

101/1001 Days Countdown.

Approximately 1 year and 3 months left to go...

Hmmmmm...

I need to pull my finger out.

:P

New Job

No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.

I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.

I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.

Blah.

Typical Hysterical Jugglings and Waffle

I want to be Vegan. I am pretty much Vegetarian most of the time (although I had some major slippage over the holidays, but am getting back on track now.) I don't eat dairy whatever, as it does Bad Things to me, so when combined with the veggism, I am about 65% on the way to being fully vegan, since I don't eat that many eggs.

Why I would like to be Vegan.

I think it is an ethical thing to do. The meat and dairy/egg industry is not nice in any way, shape or form. By abstaining from their products, I am no longer condoning an industry that has a devastating environmental effect on our world. Neither am I part of a business that sees animals/meat as a commodity to be bought and sold, and treated as a Thing rather than a Living Being.

It seems to be a healthier option for me. I take care over what I eat, and I plan and create interesting menus. If the added bonus that it helps me lose weight, then cool bananas as well.

However, I have several dilemmas that I am working through. As a Witch, I am very aware that Death is an integral part of Life, and that I, as a human being cannot survive in this world without something sacrificing its life for me. Whether that be plant or animal. Seeing the world as all interlinked and all Life being part of each other, on a spiritual level, how can I rationalise one form of Life over another?

On an environmental level, agriculture is not always the best use for land. Although we have taken raising animals for meat to an obscene extreme, there is an argument that says we need a certain amount of animals on the land to maintain the natural environment. Think sheep grazing on lowlands, they eat the grass that if left to its own devices would decimate the local flora. They are a part of the "circle of life" and to remove them from the ecosystem (which is the ultimate conclusion to veganism) then that ecosystem is destroyed.

What do I do with all my old animal products? Make up and toiletries with honey in them. Leather shoes, bags, boots, coats, etc... Wool? The list goes on and on.

I am not a WhiteLighter Witch. I am a Sweat, Spit, Blood and Shit kinda Witch. I am not scared of getting my hands dirty when I need to. So where does this leave Veganism?

New Year Blogpost

It has to be done really. Even if I don't have masses to say at the moment. Crimble and my birthday were a plague ridden washout. It could have been lovely, since my BF came over with her zillions of children on Crimble Eve Eve, but Hubs and I came down with plague. I think they had a good time, but I was too sick to be as involved as I wanted to be. When my parents got back from their week away on Boxing Day I was very relieved as it meant my mum could take over being hostess with the mostest.

We were meant to be going to a NYE party, but although we were better (antibiotics ftw) we weren't back to normal, and I think the trip in and out of central London would have killed us. So instead Neil watched Van Helsing, and I went to bed at 10pm and completely bypassed NY. Whoop...I am so hardcore...

NYs Resolutions have been made, but they aren't very exciting. The main one being as normal, to get healthy. We eat too much takeaway (takeout) because of lack of organisation, energy and time. It isn't good for us, and makes for some very bad eating habits.

I need to get more Witchy, and do Stuff. I have been a bit of an ArmChair Pagan of late, which I don't want to be.

I need to get on with more of my 1001/101 list. I am slowly getting through it, but it is still definitely a work in progress.

There is other stuff going on in my head, but I am still processing it through. I am aware that a lot of it is probably PreMenstral Navel Gazing, but we shall see how it goes.

Annie Lennox - Love Song for a Vampire.

On the 1st of August it will be our TWELFTH wedding anniversary!

This was/is our wedding song.

I iz a Rawk Chick!

In little over a week, I am off to THIS. I am so looking forward to it and rocking out all over the place. I haven't seriously had a Great Big Let It All Out moment, let alone weekend for SUCH A LONG TIME.

I will confess I am quite the control freak sometimes. Well, actually a lot of the time. Partly because I am a parent of young children, and you HAVE to be in control the whole damn time with them as it's your job. But even when I don't have to be, I still rein myself in a lot.

I am not sure why though. Is it because I know that if I let go then it might get a bit scary and wild? I keep lots of stuff tightly held up inside, because I don't want to scare people. I am a bit of a nutcase. Not in a psychotic way, just my view of life is often very different from other people. People share things with me, often expecting me to be appalled and shocked, and I am like, "whatever floats your boat". The real exception to that stuff that hurts other people. That ain't on. (And I mean hurt people in a malicious or illegal way, BDSM doesn't faze me whatsoever.)

Sometimes I do feel really confined into a little box of my own making. It isn't a horrible box that I need to escape from, just sometimes I need to get out and stretch myself and run around like a loon.


(More to come later. Maybe.)