What defines a person's identity? Is identity a social construct or self-defined boxes that we create for ourselves?
Is it what other people think of you? Is it the image that you have in your head about yourself? A mixture of the two, or something entirely different?
We think we have a certain amount of control over our identities, but really are we just constrained with what society expects of us, or what our family and friends want from us?
When you meet people for the first time can you ever be truly authentic in how you put yourself across, or do you just be yourself, warts and all? Do you put yourself forward as something that you aren't and then revert to true type after a certain amount of time?
I will admit identity is something that I think about a lot. Possibly because I am aware that I perhaps have more than one identity and will only let certain trusted friends into what might be considered to be the real me. Does that mean that the me that goes around on a daily basis is false, or just a more subdued version of me? Hopefully it is just a more subdued version of me. Diluted for generic public consumption.
However is holding back being authentic and genuine? Can aspects of a subdued personality actually do you a disservice when people take you at face value and make no attempt to get to know you any further than that? However if that is the case, then surely that is the issue of the person making the assumptions rather than the person who withholds some of themselves?
What reasons could there be for withholding the real you from whomever you met?
The simplest reasons I can imagine would be shyness and self-preservation. True friendship is earnt and while you can see the potential for possible true friends quite early in a relationship, I think we all have had experience of someone showing their not so pleasant true colours later on, and getting our fingers burnt (or hearts broken).
I think at the end of the day, I can't really be anyone that I am not, and although I might show different facets of myself to different people in different situations, they are still only parts of the one whole. And it takes a very special person who I will allow to see the whole Me.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
THE ONLY WITCH IN THE VILLAGE!!!
I am moving overseas at the end of August. Exciting but eversoslightly terrifying as well. It has literally been on the cards for years, just have never been completely sure what the Big Change that was promised would actually be. (Was really really hoping it wasn't another baby as I so don't want/need to be doing that again.)
So yeah, when Hubs got a job on the other side of the world, I Knew that this was it. A chance to leave behind all the crap of the UK and start again.
It is rather overwhelming when I think of it too much and I wonder what it will be like. The seasons are opposite to here, so we will be moving into the Spring Equinox energy when we get there. It gives us the opportunity to move away from the Christianised version of the Sabbats, since Easter will be at the Autumn Equinox, and Christmas will be in the middle of the Summer. (Which undoubtedly will mess with my tiny little mind a lot.)
The one thing is does mean that although Christmas may be happening in the Summer, we can still have our Winter Solstice celebrations (Yule) and make a big deal out of it, which will help to alleviate some of the confusion that the kids may have. (Yes, Pagans get to have two Crimbos!)
What I have wondered though, is will I be the only Witchy type Pagan out there? I have been told that there is someone out there, (described as a White Witchy type, which makes my hackles rise, but may just be a Non-Pagan's description of them.) Whether or not they will have anything in common with me, remains to be seen, but it would be nice to think that we might do.
However, if we don't, so be it. I shall cope. It will be interesting to see what happens to my Witchcraft and stuff when I have more time and space to get on and do it. Who knows, I might even set up my own Trad! :P
So yeah, when Hubs got a job on the other side of the world, I Knew that this was it. A chance to leave behind all the crap of the UK and start again.
It is rather overwhelming when I think of it too much and I wonder what it will be like. The seasons are opposite to here, so we will be moving into the Spring Equinox energy when we get there. It gives us the opportunity to move away from the Christianised version of the Sabbats, since Easter will be at the Autumn Equinox, and Christmas will be in the middle of the Summer. (Which undoubtedly will mess with my tiny little mind a lot.)
The one thing is does mean that although Christmas may be happening in the Summer, we can still have our Winter Solstice celebrations (Yule) and make a big deal out of it, which will help to alleviate some of the confusion that the kids may have. (Yes, Pagans get to have two Crimbos!)
What I have wondered though, is will I be the only Witchy type Pagan out there? I have been told that there is someone out there, (described as a White Witchy type, which makes my hackles rise, but may just be a Non-Pagan's description of them.) Whether or not they will have anything in common with me, remains to be seen, but it would be nice to think that we might do.
However, if we don't, so be it. I shall cope. It will be interesting to see what happens to my Witchcraft and stuff when I have more time and space to get on and do it. Who knows, I might even set up my own Trad! :P
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sorta Rape, Not Real Rape... (Warning...possible triggers.)
There has been a lot in the press this week stemming from comments made by a couple of Conservative MPs (and one MEP.)
Firstly Nadine Dorries introduced the Bill, that if passed would mean that girls between the ages of 11-15 would have lessons in sexual abstinance. Just girls, mind you. Not boys... Guardian article on the Bill
Then in a television interview, she came out with, I quote;
“If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."
Later that same week, Ken Clarke came out with comments that could be construed as meaning that some rapes are somehow less than other. He did try to clarify what he meant, but still managed to show his little understanding of what he was talking about in the first place. Ken Clark Clarifies?
He was then defended by the MEP, Roger Helmer, who definitely feels some rape is worse than other rape. "Women share some of the responsibilty"
Let's just say it's been a bad week for Tory politicians opening their mouths without thought, but also a bad week for us all when we look at these views in a broader perspective.
Nadine Dorries...WTF? Seriously? My mind cannot comprehend that a modern woman would come out with this claptrap. But when you take on board her religious and political beliefs (Fundie and very RightWing) it all becomes clear. I really don't even have to pull her ideas apart to show how ridiculous they are. But unfortunately, there are those that while agree that her Bill for single sex abstinance education is ridiculous fail to see how those ideas translate into the comments that her male colleagues make later in the week.
If we are teaching young girls that they must hold ALL sexual responsibility, as women, they STILL must hold that responsibility at all times, and if they are raped, then somehow it must be their fault. Your clothing, your attitude, your whereabouts, your alcohol consumption are all questioned in an attempt to show how a woman's actions contribute to her rape. And if you happen to be raped by someone you know (the majority of all rapes) then all of that, AND your sexual history is taken into account.
Dorries' comments that “If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."
Because when a sexual predator is about to abuse someone, saying no always stops them...What? You mean it doesn't?
Abuse isn't about sex. Like rape, abuse is about POWER! The power of one person over another!
I know I will be preaching to the converted here, but rape and abuse is about violent power over another. It isn't just about sex, or sexual gratification, it has a whole load of other nasties wrapped up along with it.
But the bottom line is, if a woman or man says they don't want to have sex at ANY point of the act, they have that right, and whoever they are with MUST STOP NO MATTER WHAT!
It infantalises and demeans men when the notion that they are somehow incapable of stopping having sex at any given moment is put forward as an excuse, and that when they have an erection or intercourse, that their minds switch off entirely and they become little more than drooling sexual automatons.
On a very personal note, I will share some of my more nasty sexual experiences...(Possible Trigger Alert)
The first time I had sex. I was sixteen, a bit of a social klutz, and generally a bit of a emo teenage mess. I was unsure if I wanted to do anything, but found myself led along and plied with alcohol, so when I really did want to stop, it didn't happen. I "changed my mind" at the last moment, so I know that I fall into that catagory of "it's not proper rape", but imho he had the power, he didn't stop when I wanted him to, and while I don't feel I have any long lasting damage from the event, it still means the first time I had sex is not something I feel fondly about.
I once met someone and went on a few dates with him. He was quite a bit older than me (at Uni while I was still at school.) He was nice enough, and then one Saturday morning, I met him at his digs thinking we were going to go out. As I turned up, his housemates were leaving. He was still in a dressing gown. To cut a long story short, I spent most my time trying to fend off his advances, to stop him trying to "persuade" me to go upstairs with me, and it ended with me managing to get out of the house. (Thank the Gods it wasn't locked.) and ran to a friend's house around the corner. At her house, I managed to rearrange my clothes and refasten my bra that he had managed to undo. Was this a sexual assault? Probably. Did I tell anyone other than my friends? No. Did I think I was an idiot for getting myself into that situation? Yes. However, I didn't ask for any of it, I wasn't expecting it, and why should he have thought he could get into knickers just because he felt like it.
On more than one occasion, I have had my hand forced down someone's trousers to get them off. Even to the point, that the young man in question didn't want me, he wanted my friend, but when I went out of the party to tell him that, he felt he would make do with me instead...
I have lost count of the times I have had my breasts groped and poked by men thinking that because I have spoken to them, maybe even kissed them, that I was "up for it".
It doesn't happen anymore. I am older and wiser and know how not to get myself into those situations. (Or as some arse would say, I am fatter and uglier now...a whole different issue in itself).
I never reported or told anyone (who could/would do anything about them) about these incidents, but I can guarantee that every woman out there probably has similar tales. Does this mean we were all asking for it?
Firstly Nadine Dorries introduced the Bill, that if passed would mean that girls between the ages of 11-15 would have lessons in sexual abstinance. Just girls, mind you. Not boys... Guardian article on the Bill
Then in a television interview, she came out with, I quote;
“If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."
Later that same week, Ken Clarke came out with comments that could be construed as meaning that some rapes are somehow less than other. He did try to clarify what he meant, but still managed to show his little understanding of what he was talking about in the first place. Ken Clark Clarifies?
He was then defended by the MEP, Roger Helmer, who definitely feels some rape is worse than other rape. "Women share some of the responsibilty"
Let's just say it's been a bad week for Tory politicians opening their mouths without thought, but also a bad week for us all when we look at these views in a broader perspective.
Nadine Dorries...WTF? Seriously? My mind cannot comprehend that a modern woman would come out with this claptrap. But when you take on board her religious and political beliefs (Fundie and very RightWing) it all becomes clear. I really don't even have to pull her ideas apart to show how ridiculous they are. But unfortunately, there are those that while agree that her Bill for single sex abstinance education is ridiculous fail to see how those ideas translate into the comments that her male colleagues make later in the week.
If we are teaching young girls that they must hold ALL sexual responsibility, as women, they STILL must hold that responsibility at all times, and if they are raped, then somehow it must be their fault. Your clothing, your attitude, your whereabouts, your alcohol consumption are all questioned in an attempt to show how a woman's actions contribute to her rape. And if you happen to be raped by someone you know (the majority of all rapes) then all of that, AND your sexual history is taken into account.
Dorries' comments that “If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."
Because when a sexual predator is about to abuse someone, saying no always stops them...What? You mean it doesn't?
Abuse isn't about sex. Like rape, abuse is about POWER! The power of one person over another!
I know I will be preaching to the converted here, but rape and abuse is about violent power over another. It isn't just about sex, or sexual gratification, it has a whole load of other nasties wrapped up along with it.
But the bottom line is, if a woman or man says they don't want to have sex at ANY point of the act, they have that right, and whoever they are with MUST STOP NO MATTER WHAT!
It infantalises and demeans men when the notion that they are somehow incapable of stopping having sex at any given moment is put forward as an excuse, and that when they have an erection or intercourse, that their minds switch off entirely and they become little more than drooling sexual automatons.
On a very personal note, I will share some of my more nasty sexual experiences...(Possible Trigger Alert)
The first time I had sex. I was sixteen, a bit of a social klutz, and generally a bit of a emo teenage mess. I was unsure if I wanted to do anything, but found myself led along and plied with alcohol, so when I really did want to stop, it didn't happen. I "changed my mind" at the last moment, so I know that I fall into that catagory of "it's not proper rape", but imho he had the power, he didn't stop when I wanted him to, and while I don't feel I have any long lasting damage from the event, it still means the first time I had sex is not something I feel fondly about.
I once met someone and went on a few dates with him. He was quite a bit older than me (at Uni while I was still at school.) He was nice enough, and then one Saturday morning, I met him at his digs thinking we were going to go out. As I turned up, his housemates were leaving. He was still in a dressing gown. To cut a long story short, I spent most my time trying to fend off his advances, to stop him trying to "persuade" me to go upstairs with me, and it ended with me managing to get out of the house. (Thank the Gods it wasn't locked.) and ran to a friend's house around the corner. At her house, I managed to rearrange my clothes and refasten my bra that he had managed to undo. Was this a sexual assault? Probably. Did I tell anyone other than my friends? No. Did I think I was an idiot for getting myself into that situation? Yes. However, I didn't ask for any of it, I wasn't expecting it, and why should he have thought he could get into knickers just because he felt like it.
On more than one occasion, I have had my hand forced down someone's trousers to get them off. Even to the point, that the young man in question didn't want me, he wanted my friend, but when I went out of the party to tell him that, he felt he would make do with me instead...
I have lost count of the times I have had my breasts groped and poked by men thinking that because I have spoken to them, maybe even kissed them, that I was "up for it".
It doesn't happen anymore. I am older and wiser and know how not to get myself into those situations. (Or as some arse would say, I am fatter and uglier now...a whole different issue in itself).
I never reported or told anyone (who could/would do anything about them) about these incidents, but I can guarantee that every woman out there probably has similar tales. Does this mean we were all asking for it?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Eating Daisies.
At the moment, I need to keep reminding myself that my emotional response to things is out of proportion to the actual reality of the situation. I am indeed overreacting.
There is a course starting in September just up the road from me, run by Sensory Solutions. It is a year long herbal apprenticeship (not cheap, but worth the money) and if I was in the country I would be all over it like an overenthusiastic labrador! But I ain't.
Now what I will be doing is wicked and amazing and a chance of a lifetime, and it isn't like I don't want to go. I just think it's fecking typical that this kinda thing crops up now when I won't be here.
And like I said, I am disportionately disappointed about it. Not entirely sure whether this disappointment is from the fact I have finally found a course that I want to, or that I should have been doing this type of work on my own and just got on with it. Is my procrastination kicking me up the arse again?
The thing is, yes, I could have probably done it on my own, but it is nice to speak to like-minded people that don't think you are bonkers and can help you out if the need arises.
And finally, Daisies taste of Happy and Rocket(Arugula)
There is a course starting in September just up the road from me, run by Sensory Solutions. It is a year long herbal apprenticeship (not cheap, but worth the money) and if I was in the country I would be all over it like an overenthusiastic labrador! But I ain't.
Now what I will be doing is wicked and amazing and a chance of a lifetime, and it isn't like I don't want to go. I just think it's fecking typical that this kinda thing crops up now when I won't be here.
And like I said, I am disportionately disappointed about it. Not entirely sure whether this disappointment is from the fact I have finally found a course that I want to, or that I should have been doing this type of work on my own and just got on with it. Is my procrastination kicking me up the arse again?
The thing is, yes, I could have probably done it on my own, but it is nice to speak to like-minded people that don't think you are bonkers and can help you out if the need arises.
And finally, Daisies taste of Happy and Rocket(Arugula)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tattoos I want...
And probably will never have the guts to do! ;)
A combination of Celtic knot-work with Indian Henna style patterns.
A Mouse
A circle of holly leaves and oak leaves, with berries and acorns.
A triple moon
A dragon.
A combination of Celtic knot-work with Indian Henna style patterns.
A Mouse
A circle of holly leaves and oak leaves, with berries and acorns.
A triple moon
A dragon.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Europe - Carrie
Oh, the hair, the cigarette lighters waved in the air until we burnt our fingers, the bad leather, the bad denim. Memories... :D
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Borrowed" from Existing's Tricky.
FROM HERE, Existing's Tricky
I would suggest that you check out Shanna's actual blog, since it is interesting, but also because this post has lots of interesting clickylinky bits in it, that I can't transfer over. (My laptop has given up on the highlighting thing which is rather frustrating.)
100 Tips to Heal the Body, Mind and Spirit
In honor of my 100th post (woohoo!!!) I have put together a list of healing tips for body, mind and soul:
1. Drink Green Smoothies Daily
2. Laugh for at least a minute each day
3. Bounce on a rebounder
4. Spend time with animals; experience puppy love
5. Soak up the sun; Vitamin D gives us pep and healthy skin!
6. Keep your mind active by doing puzzles
7. Practice Yoga
8. Say affirmations in the mirror daily
9. Tell yourself "I love you" every time you look in a mirror
10. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
11. Get a series of colonics annually
12. Do enemas weekly
13. The Violet Flame
14. Ressonance Repatterning
15. Journal Daily
16. Meditate at least 15 minutes each day
17. Experience Vipssana
18. Get a massage
19. Eat lots of Superfoods
20.Practice Gratitude daily
21. Create your own Quantum Shift statement and focus on it
22. Practice Reiki or schedule a session
23. Go on a 7 day Sugar Cleanse
24. Send Love Letters to your family and friends
25. Wear a sleep mask at night
26. Go Vegan for 30 Days
27. Cultivate your friendships
28. Use a Skin Brush daily before showering
29. Use a Neti Pot to clear your nostrils
30. Go Barefoot as often as possible
31. Practice the Healing Codes
32. Take a detox bath
33. Experience tuning fork sound therapy
34. Write a letter to the Universe
35. Climb your way to more positive thoughts daily
36. Buy Crazy Sexy Diet and do the 21 Day Adventure Cleanse
37. Practice Forgiveness daily
38. Take time to cry it out
39. Practice deep breathing techniques
40. Do Donna Eden's 5-Minute Daily Energy Routine
41. Practice the Script, a spiritual healing prayer
42. Check your PH daily
43. Mentally bless people who annoy you
44. Release your romantic illusions
45. Add Cinnamon to your meals
46. Create a Vision Board
47. Do these healing workbook exercises
48. Eliminate coffee from your diet
49. Do a parasite cleanse
50. Do a gall bladder cleanse
51. Detox with an infra-red sauna
52. Pray
53. Go to YouTube and listen to channelings from Bashar
54. Practice the Law of Attraction
55. Read these books
56. Stop gossiping
57. Make only positive posts online
58. Take your vitamins
59. Drink green, red and yerba mate teas
60. Write your New Moon Abundance Checks
61. Get Reconnected
62. Practice Ho'oponopono
63. Raise your vibrations with Vibes Up
64. Declutter your space
65. Use the mirroring exercise when people ruffle your feathers
66. Use Oracle Cards as guides
67. Put in your favorite CD and shake your booty!
68. Serve Others
69. Get in balance
70. Read Eat, Pray, Love
71. Erase the word "should" from your vocabulary
72. Subscribe to "The Daily Love" a beautiful daily e-newsletter
73. Eat lots of carrots
74. Get a Zapper
75. Get a tongue scrapper
76. Take off your bra as often as possible, they constrict your lymph nodes
77. Use Tooth Soap to heal your cavities and create healthy teeth
78. Write yourself a love letter
79. Use flower essences
80. Read Marianna Williamson's "A Reflection on a Course of Miracles"
81. Take yourself on a date
82. Use coconut oil on your skin after showering
83. Stand naked in the mirror and tell each and every body part, organ, cell "I Love You"
84. Cut out carbs for a week
85. Cut out processed foods permanently
86. Eliminate soda pop from your diet
87. Take the "No TV for 30 Days" challenge
88. Take time to feel your feelings
89. Go to the Farmer's Market
90. Go on a Media Diet
91. Learn how to say "NO" with grace
92. Do some Spiritual House Cleaning
93. Drink lots of water
94. Take Probiotics
95. Chew your meals mindfully
96. Give yourself hugs
97. Practice visualization techniques
98. Stretch every morning when you get up
99. Learn the Tibetan Rejuvenation Rites
100. Love Yourself
I would suggest that you check out Shanna's actual blog, since it is interesting, but also because this post has lots of interesting clickylinky bits in it, that I can't transfer over. (My laptop has given up on the highlighting thing which is rather frustrating.)
100 Tips to Heal the Body, Mind and Spirit
In honor of my 100th post (woohoo!!!) I have put together a list of healing tips for body, mind and soul:
1. Drink Green Smoothies Daily
2. Laugh for at least a minute each day
3. Bounce on a rebounder
4. Spend time with animals; experience puppy love
5. Soak up the sun; Vitamin D gives us pep and healthy skin!
6. Keep your mind active by doing puzzles
7. Practice Yoga
8. Say affirmations in the mirror daily
9. Tell yourself "I love you" every time you look in a mirror
10. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
11. Get a series of colonics annually
12. Do enemas weekly
13. The Violet Flame
14. Ressonance Repatterning
15. Journal Daily
16. Meditate at least 15 minutes each day
17. Experience Vipssana
18. Get a massage
19. Eat lots of Superfoods
20.Practice Gratitude daily
21. Create your own Quantum Shift statement and focus on it
22. Practice Reiki or schedule a session
23. Go on a 7 day Sugar Cleanse
24. Send Love Letters to your family and friends
25. Wear a sleep mask at night
26. Go Vegan for 30 Days
27. Cultivate your friendships
28. Use a Skin Brush daily before showering
29. Use a Neti Pot to clear your nostrils
30. Go Barefoot as often as possible
31. Practice the Healing Codes
32. Take a detox bath
33. Experience tuning fork sound therapy
34. Write a letter to the Universe
35. Climb your way to more positive thoughts daily
36. Buy Crazy Sexy Diet and do the 21 Day Adventure Cleanse
37. Practice Forgiveness daily
38. Take time to cry it out
39. Practice deep breathing techniques
40. Do Donna Eden's 5-Minute Daily Energy Routine
41. Practice the Script, a spiritual healing prayer
42. Check your PH daily
43. Mentally bless people who annoy you
44. Release your romantic illusions
45. Add Cinnamon to your meals
46. Create a Vision Board
47. Do these healing workbook exercises
48. Eliminate coffee from your diet
49. Do a parasite cleanse
50. Do a gall bladder cleanse
51. Detox with an infra-red sauna
52. Pray
53. Go to YouTube and listen to channelings from Bashar
54. Practice the Law of Attraction
55. Read these books
56. Stop gossiping
57. Make only positive posts online
58. Take your vitamins
59. Drink green, red and yerba mate teas
60. Write your New Moon Abundance Checks
61. Get Reconnected
62. Practice Ho'oponopono
63. Raise your vibrations with Vibes Up
64. Declutter your space
65. Use the mirroring exercise when people ruffle your feathers
66. Use Oracle Cards as guides
67. Put in your favorite CD and shake your booty!
68. Serve Others
69. Get in balance
70. Read Eat, Pray, Love
71. Erase the word "should" from your vocabulary
72. Subscribe to "The Daily Love" a beautiful daily e-newsletter
73. Eat lots of carrots
74. Get a Zapper
75. Get a tongue scrapper
76. Take off your bra as often as possible, they constrict your lymph nodes
77. Use Tooth Soap to heal your cavities and create healthy teeth
78. Write yourself a love letter
79. Use flower essences
80. Read Marianna Williamson's "A Reflection on a Course of Miracles"
81. Take yourself on a date
82. Use coconut oil on your skin after showering
83. Stand naked in the mirror and tell each and every body part, organ, cell "I Love You"
84. Cut out carbs for a week
85. Cut out processed foods permanently
86. Eliminate soda pop from your diet
87. Take the "No TV for 30 Days" challenge
88. Take time to feel your feelings
89. Go to the Farmer's Market
90. Go on a Media Diet
91. Learn how to say "NO" with grace
92. Do some Spiritual House Cleaning
93. Drink lots of water
94. Take Probiotics
95. Chew your meals mindfully
96. Give yourself hugs
97. Practice visualization techniques
98. Stretch every morning when you get up
99. Learn the Tibetan Rejuvenation Rites
100. Love Yourself
Friday, March 18, 2011
One Step Closer
To what could be the biggest change in our lives...
Eeeek!
Neil has had his interview for an overseas job, which he feels went well. We will find out in the next week or so whether he has it or not.
This is very exciting, and we are trying not to pin our hopes on it too much. (Although that is probably too late now. :P
Eeeek!
Neil has had his interview for an overseas job, which he feels went well. We will find out in the next week or so whether he has it or not.
This is very exciting, and we are trying not to pin our hopes on it too much. (Although that is probably too late now. :P
Monday, January 24, 2011
Overemotional?
When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.
I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.
The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.
I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.
However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.
Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?
Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?
Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?
Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?
Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?
Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?
I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.
The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.
I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.
However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.
Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?
Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?
Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?
Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?
Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?
Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?
Friday, January 14, 2011
New Job
No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.
I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.
I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.
Blah.
I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.
I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.
Blah.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Meme that is doing the rounds.
B A S I C S //
Do you have a magical/Pagan name? Yes, although I don't tend to use it that often.
What does it mean? Something personal.
How did you find Paganism? Always into the weird and wonderful, but started getting more serious in my teens, visiting sacred sites and the like. Realised that it was a label that I could work with, even if it wasn't completely accurate.
How long have you been practicing? About 20 odd years now. Which is a long time considering.
Solitary or group practitioner? Over the years, a bit of both.
What is your path? Mine.
Are you out of the broom closet? Half and half. Most people know, I don't lie about it, but a select few people (family members) don't know, as they don't need to know.
D E I T Y //
Who is your patron God? Don't really have one. The God I associate the most with would be Cernunnous.
Who is your patron Goddess? Again, if I was to have them, they would be Brigid and Blodeuwedd
What Gods do you worship? I don't worship any Gods. I revere and respect Them and the relationships with them.
Do you fear darkly aspected Gods/Goddess, or rather respect them? Umm, well since I am not going to piss them off, why do I need to be scared of them.
Do you worship the Christian God? No. Why would I want to do that? :P
Do you ever worship animals? No. I respect them and their sacredness, but not worship.
Or plants? Ditto
N A T U R E //
Do you regularly commune with nature? I try to, but probably not as much as I would like and should. (Other than being part of it, iykwim.)
Ever walked barefoot in the woods? Yes.
Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature? Yes.
Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth? Probably on holiday in Cornwall or Wales in the beaches.
Do you have a familiar? No. I would be willing to have an Animal partner that wished to join me in my Workings, (which is probably what most people consider to be a familiar) but the actual meaning of a Familiar is a spirit you have conjured up to aid you, and it can inhabit the body of an animal that you have used for that purpose. Not really very nice.
Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual? No, actually I don't think I have.
Or a plant? Yes.
Do you hug trees? Yes.
Give them gifts? Yes.
What is your favourite flower to work with? I don't really have a favourite. It would all depend on what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I do however have a softspot for tulips.
What is your favourite tree to work with? I do like Oak a lot.
W H E E L . O F . T H E . Y E A R //
What is your favourite holiday? I don't really have one. I do like Samhain and Yule though.
What is your least favourite holiday? Probably Midsummer. I never seem to get organised to do anything for it.
Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday? Yes.
Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a Pagan holiday? Nope.
Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25? Of course.
Have you ever felt the veil thin? Yes.
Ever danced the Maypole? No.
Know what the Maypole symbolizes? Yes.
How do you usually celebrate the Pagan holidays? I always acknowledge them, but I don't make enough of a big deal out of them as I should. It is something I am working on.
D I V I N A T I O N //
Do you use Tarot? Yes.
Do you use runes? No, but I do want to learn them. (And now I have the tools to make my own!)
Do you use a pendulum? Yes. One of the easiest forms of divination that there is. I have been doing it since I was about 12, as I remember doing it in the girls changing room at my Lower School.
Do you use dowsing rods? No, I have a pair, but haven't tried them yet.
Do you use astrology? Sort of. I use Natal charts and the like, but the daily horoscopes are a load of old hokum.
Any other form of divination? Oracle cards. And I would like to make Witch Stones.
S P E L L S //
What was the first spell you did? I actually can't remember that.
What was the latest? Probably one to do with Neil's work.
Ever done a love spell? Yes.
A job spell? Yes.
A healing spell? Yes.
What was the most powerful spell you’ve ever performed? Powerful is a loaded word, but the one with the most drastic results, was one for a friend who was being sexually harassed and bullied in a very nasty way. Perpetrator lost their job, and got deported...!
What deities do you usually call on? Umm, depends on what I am doing.
C R Y P T O Z O O L O G Y //
Do you believe in Vampires? Not in the literal "I vant to suck your blood" sense.
Werewolves? Nope.
Shapeshifters? Meh.
Elves? Yes, in the sense they are a type of Fae.
Faeries? Yes.
Dragons? Yes.
Nymphs? Dunno.
Sprites? Type of Fae.
Mermaids? Type of Fae.
Sirens? Dunno.
Satyrs? Dunno.
Ever “seen” any of the above? Yes.
Ever talked to any of the above? Yes.
Ever used any of the above in magic? Nope.
Do you have one of them as a personal guardian? No.
R A N D O M //
Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon? Umm, none of those.
Own a cat? Own? No, I have a cat who shares my home with me.
When you meditate, what does your happy place look like? A woodland glade with pool.
Do you work with Chakras? Not as much as I should
Do you believe in past lives? Yes.
If so, describe a few of them... Apparently I was a Tavern Wench waiting for my long lost Love to come home from sea. And the other I was a Priestess on a Matrifocal, Polyamorous island. (I like that one!)
Do you believe in soul mates? Yes. I think you can have lots.
Do you have a spirit guide? Don't know. I haven't really ever investigated.
Is it always love and light? Yes. And darkness, and chocolate.
Do you have a magical/Pagan name? Yes, although I don't tend to use it that often.
What does it mean? Something personal.
How did you find Paganism? Always into the weird and wonderful, but started getting more serious in my teens, visiting sacred sites and the like. Realised that it was a label that I could work with, even if it wasn't completely accurate.
How long have you been practicing? About 20 odd years now. Which is a long time considering.
Solitary or group practitioner? Over the years, a bit of both.
What is your path? Mine.
Are you out of the broom closet? Half and half. Most people know, I don't lie about it, but a select few people (family members) don't know, as they don't need to know.
D E I T Y //
Who is your patron God? Don't really have one. The God I associate the most with would be Cernunnous.
Who is your patron Goddess? Again, if I was to have them, they would be Brigid and Blodeuwedd
What Gods do you worship? I don't worship any Gods. I revere and respect Them and the relationships with them.
Do you fear darkly aspected Gods/Goddess, or rather respect them? Umm, well since I am not going to piss them off, why do I need to be scared of them.
Do you worship the Christian God? No. Why would I want to do that? :P
Do you ever worship animals? No. I respect them and their sacredness, but not worship.
Or plants? Ditto
N A T U R E //
Do you regularly commune with nature? I try to, but probably not as much as I would like and should. (Other than being part of it, iykwim.)
Ever walked barefoot in the woods? Yes.
Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature? Yes.
Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth? Probably on holiday in Cornwall or Wales in the beaches.
Do you have a familiar? No. I would be willing to have an Animal partner that wished to join me in my Workings, (which is probably what most people consider to be a familiar) but the actual meaning of a Familiar is a spirit you have conjured up to aid you, and it can inhabit the body of an animal that you have used for that purpose. Not really very nice.
Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual? No, actually I don't think I have.
Or a plant? Yes.
Do you hug trees? Yes.
Give them gifts? Yes.
What is your favourite flower to work with? I don't really have a favourite. It would all depend on what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I do however have a softspot for tulips.
What is your favourite tree to work with? I do like Oak a lot.
W H E E L . O F . T H E . Y E A R //
What is your favourite holiday? I don't really have one. I do like Samhain and Yule though.
What is your least favourite holiday? Probably Midsummer. I never seem to get organised to do anything for it.
Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday? Yes.
Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a Pagan holiday? Nope.
Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25? Of course.
Have you ever felt the veil thin? Yes.
Ever danced the Maypole? No.
Know what the Maypole symbolizes? Yes.
How do you usually celebrate the Pagan holidays? I always acknowledge them, but I don't make enough of a big deal out of them as I should. It is something I am working on.
D I V I N A T I O N //
Do you use Tarot? Yes.
Do you use runes? No, but I do want to learn them. (And now I have the tools to make my own!)
Do you use a pendulum? Yes. One of the easiest forms of divination that there is. I have been doing it since I was about 12, as I remember doing it in the girls changing room at my Lower School.
Do you use dowsing rods? No, I have a pair, but haven't tried them yet.
Do you use astrology? Sort of. I use Natal charts and the like, but the daily horoscopes are a load of old hokum.
Any other form of divination? Oracle cards. And I would like to make Witch Stones.
S P E L L S //
What was the first spell you did? I actually can't remember that.
What was the latest? Probably one to do with Neil's work.
Ever done a love spell? Yes.
A job spell? Yes.
A healing spell? Yes.
What was the most powerful spell you’ve ever performed? Powerful is a loaded word, but the one with the most drastic results, was one for a friend who was being sexually harassed and bullied in a very nasty way. Perpetrator lost their job, and got deported...!
What deities do you usually call on? Umm, depends on what I am doing.
C R Y P T O Z O O L O G Y //
Do you believe in Vampires? Not in the literal "I vant to suck your blood" sense.
Werewolves? Nope.
Shapeshifters? Meh.
Elves? Yes, in the sense they are a type of Fae.
Faeries? Yes.
Dragons? Yes.
Nymphs? Dunno.
Sprites? Type of Fae.
Mermaids? Type of Fae.
Sirens? Dunno.
Satyrs? Dunno.
Ever “seen” any of the above? Yes.
Ever talked to any of the above? Yes.
Ever used any of the above in magic? Nope.
Do you have one of them as a personal guardian? No.
R A N D O M //
Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon? Umm, none of those.
Own a cat? Own? No, I have a cat who shares my home with me.
When you meditate, what does your happy place look like? A woodland glade with pool.
Do you work with Chakras? Not as much as I should
Do you believe in past lives? Yes.
If so, describe a few of them... Apparently I was a Tavern Wench waiting for my long lost Love to come home from sea. And the other I was a Priestess on a Matrifocal, Polyamorous island. (I like that one!)
Do you believe in soul mates? Yes. I think you can have lots.
Do you have a spirit guide? Don't know. I haven't really ever investigated.
Is it always love and light? Yes. And darkness, and chocolate.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I want...I want...I want...
These shoes are Made Of Awesome...
Very impractical for a marriedmumof2, but I don't GIVVASHIT! (Sorry) I loves them!
And if we had the spare monies, I would so get them!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Blodeuwedd
She seems to be popping up all over the place at the moment. And I have always had a soft spot for her ever since my first Goddess Conference. (I attempted to dress up as Her at the Ball.) I always felt that there was more to Her story than just the cliched betrayer she is portrayed to be.
Within the Celtic Tradition, storytelling has long been a favored occupation and, generally speaking, the longer and more intricate the story, the more revered the legend and the teller. Long held as the embodiment of most ancient Welsh legends is the Mabinogion. The story of Branwen is contained therein, as is the legend of Blodeuwedd. In order to offer some sort of clarity to these legends it is necessary to give you some background in the history of the Celts and, therefore, shed some light on the intricacies of the stories. The Celts, historically, were matrilineal; you were born to your mother’s line, not your father’s. Kingship, therefore, landed upon the son of the king’s sister and not upon the offspring of the king and the queen. Very often, too, the queens were the actual power, with her spouse being a Duke of War, rather than a true king. In order to be a king, one had to marry the land in order to demonstrate his devotion to the sovereignty. Often, this marriage was symbolic and accomplished by the practice of the Great Rite between the proposed king and a priestess of the Goddess. The commission of this act would ensure the king’s love for the land and a lifelong desire to defend her as he would his wife. It is also important to note that there is no Goddess of Love, such as Ishtar, Aphrodite and Venus in other cultures, but there were, throughout the legends, Maiden Goddesses made of flowers or fruit. The most important aspect of the Goddess is triune in nature - the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone - and most legends involve three Goddesses representing these three aspects.
The Legend of Blodeuwedd is also the story of Llew’s struggle for his kingship which was averted and made more difficult by the Goddess Arianrhod who tried Her best to prevent Llew, Her son, his birth-right due to the shame brought upon Her by his companions. (Another story which will be told later.) In short, Arianrhod stated that he would not receive a name, unless it be from Her; he would not receive his arms, unless it be from Her; and, he could never marry a mortal woman. Thus, he could not become king unless it be through Her auspices. In order to assure that Llew would survive long enough to attain his kingship, some magick was given to him in the form of the circumstances of his death. As has been typical of the Celts, his death could only be accomplished through a set of very unlikely and almost preposterous circumstances. He could not be killed indoors or out, on horse or on foot, and the spearhead capable of killing him had to be cast during a sacred period of time. Arianrhod was tricked into giving Llew his name and his arms but the larger problem of having a wife, which would assert his right to the land, was accomplished through the magick of his cousins, Math and Gwydion, who created Blodeuwedd from the flowers of the Oak, Broom and Meadowsweet. Due to the nature of Her Birth, Blodeuwedd - whose name means either ‘Flower Face’ or the ancient name for the Owl - and represents the Earth in full bloom. Through their marriage, Llew’s requirement of marrying the land and thus, his Sovereignty is completed. One day, Llew goes hunting, leaving Blodeuwedd alone with Her ladies in the castle. A young huntsman, Gronw, later seeks shelter and he and Blodeuwedd experience love at first sight. Wanting nothing more than to be together, Gronw persuades Blodeuwedd to discover the improbable circumstances surrounding Llew’s death, an act he would help to accomplish. The plan made, Gronw departs from Blodeuwedd and they remain separate for a long period of time, during which Blodeuwedd feigns anxiety concerning Llew’s death. Eventually, Her pleading persuades Llew to demonstrate these very circumstances in order to allay Her fears by showing Her his death could not be easily accomplished. They prepare a bath on a riverbank, covering it with a thatched roof, being neither indoors nor out. As Llew stands with one foot upon the edge of the tub and the other upon the back of a goat, Gronw throws the specially-made spear, hitting Llew in the side. Llew immediately turns into an eagle and flies off, later discovered and nursed back to health by his cousins, Math and Gwydion. When the two lovers are found, Gronw is killed and Blodeuwedd turned into an owl.
Due to the very circumstances of Her Birth, the actions of Blodeuwedd may be seen in a more sympathetic light. She was created from the flowers of a very powerful Tree - the Oak - and from flowers of an explicitly healing nature,in order to give power to Llew and to be able to continually heal and renew him. She is never asked whether She loves him or desires to marry him. She was created for his purposes, solely to assure his right to rule the land. Her Own desires are impossible to achieve while Llew lives and She is often seen as the epitome of non-assertive femininity, fickleness and the faithless wife, using the passion of two men for Her to seal the doom of both. In truth, Her supposed treachery creates the very conditions to enable Llew to experience the ritual death and rebirth commonly required of the Druidic priesthood, thus ensuring his kingship. Blodeuwedd is seen as a part of his hard and difficult destiny. Throughout Celtic legend, otherworldly women are created and utilized to represent the Land, which is definitely feminine in nature. Owl, the totemic representation of Blodeuwedd, signifies the complete transformation of the initiate as represented by Llew‚s virtual death and subsequent healing. She is signified by the Empress card of the Tarot. She is a Goddess of emotions, representing the matrix that reforms transpersonal and universal energies into well-defined life force. She is also the Maiden Goddess of initiation ceremonies and is known as the Ninefold Goddess of the Western Isles of Paradise. Flowers, the wisdom of innocence, Lunar Mysteries and initiation are Her provinces.
Winter Cymraes
©1994
Blodeuwedd, Magdalene of Springtime ©Jacqui Woodward SmithBlodeuwedd Rising (Song for Hazel) Summer 2007 by Jacqui Woodward Smith
Sweet flower face with wings of snow
You are the gateway to the seasons
Fierce in passion, eyes aglow
And You will rise in fearless beauty
Afraid of You, they change Your face
But we remember Your true nature;
Reclaim Your love, Reclaim Your place
Defiled and changed and called a whore
If whore You are then so am I
As whore I'll be Your temple priestess
And You will give me wings to fly
Reclaim the whore and rise in beauty
With Goddess spirit deep within
Knowing our own Goddess nature
How dare they name our passion sin!
No one can shackle or control You
Owl of Secrets, flying free
No chains to bind Your hungry spirit
With You beside, no chains on me
And we will rise in raging beauty
To be what we've been all along
When we can stand alone as equals
We will sing Blodeuwedd's song
They left us here in silent fury
Thought that they had won the game
But as we reclaim our ancient birthright
Blodeuwedd will rise again
And we will rise in naked beauty
Revealing all we have to give
Loving in the ways we choose to
Deciding how we want to live
They try to make us pretty blossoms
Deny our claws, deny our power
But we must claim our truth and freedom
To choose the owl, to choose the flower
And we will rise in powerful beauty
Surrender to Blodeuwedd's cry
She draws us to the path of moonlight
On owl wings we must learn to fly
No one has the right to harm us
To name and shame, abuse and scar us
Call us hag and call us bitch.
Reclaim the owl, reclaim the witch!
And we will rise in all our beauty
For we have heard Flower Face's call
Our bodies glowing with our passion
Both owls and flowers, Priestesses all!
Not sure where the image of Blodeuwedd is from. But it's lovely.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Back. Tired. Happy.
WOW!
Sonisphere was truly MAGNIFICENT!
But you don't want to know what colour the bath water was once I got out of it when we were back home! :P
My inner RawkChick is sated for the time being.
However, one or two things from my 101/1001 list have been accomplished. :D
95) Go to a concert of someone familiar SONISPHERE
96) Go to a concert of someone completely random SONISPHERE
96) Go to a concert of someone completely random SONISPHERE
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Seriously exciting!
I am going to be doing the Handfasting of my bestest friend evah, and her lovely man
IN LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS!
Fortunately I had a suspicion that I would be asked, so have been sorting it out in my head already.
But the thing that seems to be the most pressing at the moment is, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?
(I have my priorities straight, oh yes I do!)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Annie Lennox - Love Song for a Vampire.
On the 1st of August it will be our TWELFTH wedding anniversary!
This was/is our wedding song.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Oh Muse, where art thou?
I want to be an Artist.
I want to be Artistic.
It just isn't happening.
When I was at school, I loved art. (I still love art.) My art teacher was lovely and encouraging and all those good things that teachers should be. However when I reached GCSE age, I had a new teacher. He was not lovely and encouraging. He had his set favourites in his class, and I blatantly wasn't one of them. He absolutely sucked the joy out of me.
It has taken me literally years to recover. However, my problem is that the years of inactivity have taken its toll and I am quite frankly crap now. I tried drawing when I went away for the wedding a few weeks back, and actually got a bit upset about how rubbish I am now.
Now I know that I do have a bit of talent, buried somewhere. I can look back at my artwork from my school days, and see the talent there. But how do I get it back again?
(I know the answer, I just need to work through it and JUST DO IT!)
I want to be Artistic.
It just isn't happening.
When I was at school, I loved art. (I still love art.) My art teacher was lovely and encouraging and all those good things that teachers should be. However when I reached GCSE age, I had a new teacher. He was not lovely and encouraging. He had his set favourites in his class, and I blatantly wasn't one of them. He absolutely sucked the joy out of me.
It has taken me literally years to recover. However, my problem is that the years of inactivity have taken its toll and I am quite frankly crap now. I tried drawing when I went away for the wedding a few weeks back, and actually got a bit upset about how rubbish I am now.
Now I know that I do have a bit of talent, buried somewhere. I can look back at my artwork from my school days, and see the talent there. But how do I get it back again?
(I know the answer, I just need to work through it and JUST DO IT!)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
1st anniversary of 101 Things In 1001 Days.
How is it going?
OUCH.
101 Things In 1001 Days
I have done SIX things. That is quite slack. That's just under 6%.
4) Investigate laser eye treatment. DONE - CAN'T HAVE IT, EYES TOO WONKY
7) Buy myself a decent pair of trainers. DONE - Bought MBTs
31) Start/join a Goddess group - DOING
59) Go to a Farmer's Market DONE - new one to go every other month at least
93) Go vegetarian for a month - DONE, AND STILL DOING
94) Go vegan for a week - DONE
I have one year and 9months to go. I SHALL GET OFF MY ARSE AND DO IT!
OUCH.
101 Things In 1001 Days
I have done SIX things. That is quite slack. That's just under 6%.
4) Investigate laser eye treatment. DONE - CAN'T HAVE IT, EYES TOO WONKY
7) Buy myself a decent pair of trainers. DONE - Bought MBTs
31) Start/join a Goddess group - DOING
59) Go to a Farmer's Market DONE - new one to go every other month at least
93) Go vegetarian for a month - DONE, AND STILL DOING
94) Go vegan for a week - DONE
I have one year and 9months to go. I SHALL GET OFF MY ARSE AND DO IT!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Walk on by, nothing to see here...
I don't really know where to start, so if this sounds like whinging mindless drivel, then you'd be right. It is. My mood hasn't really been that great for a while really. Knowing the reasons why doesn't make it any easier to deal with. There are a number of things going on in my life which I don't really want or need, but they are there all the same.
I am just so tired, fed up, cross, and generally not "at one with the world". And FinL's new cancer diagnosis is possibly the last straw. Once again, I have to be strong and supportive, and be there for Hubs. And you know what my reaction to that is right now? Well, it isn't great. It basically seems to boil down to, "FFS! Again?
I am the one constantly cheerleading from the homefront, telling everyone that things will get better, we will be alright, our situation will sort itself out, and you know what, it's hard fucking work being Pollyanna all the time, especially when it isn't particularly natural to you.
I am naturally a pessimistic moany old Bitch. I can't do nice all the time. But that's all I am doing at the moment. The only people I socialise with are my family, and quite frankly a lot of time, they are the people I have issues with. Unfair perhaps, but still true.
I am supporting Hubs because of his family's health (and the impact it could have on his). I have been supporting through the utter shit that his old school caused him, and will support him if this contract does end in December. I am supporting my mum, since my dad is being his normal ignorant, arrogant arsey self, her work is being shit, and generally she isn't particularly happy either at the moment. But since she is going through all of that, there is no way I can burden any of my crap on her, and quite frankly even if I did, there isn't anything she could do or say about it, so what's the point?
My brother is trying to get his act together in some aspects and not so much on others. The fact he is nearly 26, jobless, girlfriendless and quite honestly has no life means that he is a bundle of joy to be around at the moment as well.
I have gotten so good at pretending everything is alright, that everyone believes me when I say I am fine.
I am not fine. I haven't been for a while now.
I am just so tired, fed up, cross, and generally not "at one with the world". And FinL's new cancer diagnosis is possibly the last straw. Once again, I have to be strong and supportive, and be there for Hubs. And you know what my reaction to that is right now? Well, it isn't great. It basically seems to boil down to, "FFS! Again?
I am the one constantly cheerleading from the homefront, telling everyone that things will get better, we will be alright, our situation will sort itself out, and you know what, it's hard fucking work being Pollyanna all the time, especially when it isn't particularly natural to you.
I am naturally a pessimistic moany old Bitch. I can't do nice all the time. But that's all I am doing at the moment. The only people I socialise with are my family, and quite frankly a lot of time, they are the people I have issues with. Unfair perhaps, but still true.
I am supporting Hubs because of his family's health (and the impact it could have on his). I have been supporting through the utter shit that his old school caused him, and will support him if this contract does end in December. I am supporting my mum, since my dad is being his normal ignorant, arrogant arsey self, her work is being shit, and generally she isn't particularly happy either at the moment. But since she is going through all of that, there is no way I can burden any of my crap on her, and quite frankly even if I did, there isn't anything she could do or say about it, so what's the point?
My brother is trying to get his act together in some aspects and not so much on others. The fact he is nearly 26, jobless, girlfriendless and quite honestly has no life means that he is a bundle of joy to be around at the moment as well.
I have gotten so good at pretending everything is alright, that everyone believes me when I say I am fine.
I am not fine. I haven't been for a while now.
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