Identity

What defines a person's identity? Is identity a social construct or self-defined boxes that we create for ourselves?

Is it what other people think of you? Is it the image that you have in your head about yourself? A mixture of the two, or something entirely different?

We think we have a certain amount of control over our identities, but really are we just constrained with what society expects of us, or what our family and friends want from us?

When you meet people for the first time can you ever be truly authentic in how you put yourself across, or do you just be yourself, warts and all? Do you put yourself forward as something that you aren't and then revert to true type after a certain amount of time?

I will admit identity is something that I think about a lot. Possibly because I am aware that I perhaps have more than one identity and will only let certain trusted friends into what might be considered to be the real me. Does that mean that the me that goes around on a daily basis is false, or just a more subdued version of me? Hopefully it is just a more subdued version of me. Diluted for generic public consumption.

However is holding back being authentic and genuine? Can aspects of a subdued personality actually do you a disservice when people take you at face value and make no attempt to get to know you any further than that? However if that is the case, then surely that is the issue of the person making the assumptions rather than the person who withholds some of themselves?

What reasons could there be for withholding the real you from whomever you met?
The simplest reasons I can imagine would be shyness and self-preservation. True friendship is earnt and while you can see the potential for possible true friends quite early in a relationship, I think we all have had experience of someone showing their not so pleasant true colours later on, and getting our fingers burnt (or hearts broken).

I think at the end of the day, I can't really be anyone that I am not, and although I might show different facets of myself to different people in different situations, they are still only parts of the one whole. And it takes a very special person who I will allow to see the whole Me.

Spookiness Abounds...

My Bestie from Uni and I went to see this; Ghost Stories at the Duke of York theatre on Monday evening.

It has been hyped to be one of the scariest things you will ever see, and that audiences have been hysterical about it. So Louise and I were looking forward to have the absolute crap scared out of us. We got to the theatre a little early, and got the drinks in. The theatre had been decked out like an abandoned building with yellow Police Only tape strewn about, random numbers scrawled on the walls and spooky noises throughout.

We sat in the bar for about 15 minutes, sharing our own scary stories and basically winding ourselves up before going in for the show itself.

We had Stall seats right at the end of the row, three rows from the front(!), so I made Louise sit on the outside, so if anything jumped out of the door next to us, then It would get her first! :P (I am such a nice friend.)

I can't really tell you much about the play itself (spoilers, darling). The premise of it being a lecture on the paranormal was cool, even to the point where the Lecturer's thesis was one I thought "ooh, I wouldn't mind doing that." The three stories/examples that were used through the show were creepily done, even if I have read way too much on ghosts and urban myths so recognised a great deal of the ideas/inspiration about the stories. But as discussed with Louise afterwards, using stories that people (the audience) are kind of familiar with is a very good way of engaging them.

The whole set up was geared to make you uneasy, (strange noises, weird lights and blasting the really cold air conditioning up high, I recommend take a cardie or jumper,) and it works well. You do need to go with the frame of mind as you do when venturing onto a ghost train. You want to be scared, in a safe way and have fun doing it. So on that level, I do think that Ghost Stories was a success. Yes, it was a little predictable, but ghost stories usually are.

All in all, 7/10. I thoroughly enjoyed it, was a little bit frightened while it was going on, but not so much I couldn't sleep that night. (Especially in a strange old spooky hotel.)

THE ONLY WITCH IN THE VILLAGE!!!

I am moving overseas at the end of August. Exciting but eversoslightly terrifying as well. It has literally been on the cards for years, just have never been completely sure what the Big Change that was promised would actually be. (Was really really hoping it wasn't another baby as I so don't want/need to be doing that again.)

So yeah, when Hubs got a job on the other side of the world, I Knew that this was it. A chance to leave behind all the crap of the UK and start again.

It is rather overwhelming when I think of it too much and I wonder what it will be like. The seasons are opposite to here, so we will be moving into the Spring Equinox energy when we get there. It gives us the opportunity to move away from the Christianised version of the Sabbats, since Easter will be at the Autumn Equinox, and Christmas will be in the middle of the Summer. (Which undoubtedly will mess with my tiny little mind a lot.)

The one thing is does mean that although Christmas may be happening in the Summer, we can still have our Winter Solstice celebrations (Yule) and make a big deal out of it, which will help to alleviate some of the confusion that the kids may have. (Yes, Pagans get to have two Crimbos!)

What I have wondered though, is will I be the only Witchy type Pagan out there? I have been told that there is someone out there, (described as a White Witchy type, which makes my hackles rise, but may just be a Non-Pagan's description of them.) Whether or not they will have anything in common with me, remains to be seen, but it would be nice to think that we might do.

However, if we don't, so be it. I shall cope. It will be interesting to see what happens to my Witchcraft and stuff when I have more time and space to get on and do it. Who knows, I might even set up my own Trad! :P

Europe - Carrie

Oh, the hair, the cigarette lighters waved in the air until we burnt our fingers, the bad leather, the bad denim. Memories... :D

Loyalty

I am probably a bit too loyal.

If I have made the decision to be your friend, then it takes an awful lot for me to end that friendship. Only when I have had my heart pulled out and trampled on will I walk away. And even then, under some circumstances I will let them back in if they had a good enough reason for being so horrid in the first place.

So it is really really hard for me to deal with a friend who says they are my friend, want to continue to be my friend, but make bugger all effort in actually BEING a friend. I give them so much slack, but it hurts when I feel like they don't care.

I have other friends who are equally elusive, but I know their reasons for it. Work is often hectic and unpredictable, or just time-consuming. Some live miles away, so we don't get together often. I don't have an issue with that. I don't live a life where I can just drop everything for a beer or coffee, so I do understand.

What I don't understand is, just not giving a shit about me any more, when they say they are my friend. No returning calls, replying to emails or texts, yet then ringing me randomly for a long chat and being the lovely person they can be.

So, when is it time to say enough is enough?

Serious Slumpage.

I am now entering the comedown stage of the awesomeness that was Sonisphere. You know, the bit where you realise that all that anticipation and enjoyment is now over and done with and we are back to mundane reality.

I know that I am going to Cornwall in a couple of weeks, but if I am honest, it doesn't have the same level of excitement that Sonisphere had.

So yeah, crappy mood has descended upon me. I know the reasons why. I just wish the emotional response to it all wasn't so clichéd. (It doesn't help that I am unlikely to see the friend that we went with for a really long time again, and I miss them lots when I don't see them.)

Seriously exciting!

I am going to be doing the Handfasting of my bestest friend evah, and her lovely man

IN LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS!

Fortunately I had a suspicion that I would be asked, so have been sorting it out in my head already.

But the thing that seems to be the most pressing at the moment is, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

(I have my priorities straight, oh yes I do!)

Really snoresome update.

Couldn't think of a title, and general update is really boring. So random keys it is.

Since the last time I have updated, there hasn't been that much news. Am slowly, slowly getting the garden sorted, even if the slugs and snails have eaten one of my corguette plants. (Gits) Will send Hubs out for a crappy beer or something, and hopefully drown the buggers. So far I have french beans, runner beans, petit pois, corguettes, pumpkins, peppers, chillis, strawberries, raspberries, an apple tree, a pear tree (although those I don't think I will get any fruit from yet). I also have oregano, thyme, lovage, basil, parsley, chives, chamomile, lavender, rosemary and dill growing in various pots.

I need to clear up around the pond, and see if I can resurrect it. It would be lovely to have an actual pond, rather than the stagnant swamp I have at the mo. It has a buddlia at the back of it that I planted last year which is growing well, and I have some broken clay pots at the back as DIY toadhomes.

Other than that, the lawn is awful, with bare patches. But I will get there eventually.


Kiddywinks are well, Hubs is doing okay at work. They really do like him there which is always a bonus. However, we have come to the decision that we HAVE to be moving next year. It will either be because the maternity leave that Hubs is covering will finish and the woman will come back, which will be the end of the Christmas term. Or preferably, Hubs will take his current year 10s through year 11, and we will be moving in the summer hols. We still really have NO idea where, but we will just have to see where the jobs come up. Obviously we have preferences, but it is really just a case of wait and see.

Hubs' dad is still suffering, but he is off to his consultant tomorrow, so hopefully they will be able to offer him something that helps.


I was down in Cornwall the last weekend of May. It was lovely down there, just wish I could drive (and had a car) so could have got around more. However it was very peaceful, the B&B was nice, and we are hoping to get down there again for the Summer hols. My friend's wedding was lovely, but it was a bit weird not having Hubs and the kids there.

This weekend just gone, we went to the Colchester Mediaeval Faire (Oysterfaire) it was nice, but I think DD got a bit hot and tired, so was grumpier than I appreciated. The stuff there was really nice, and I could have bought lots of things, but since we really don't need any of it, have nowhere to put any of it, there was no real point. (Boooo) However we did get DS a Robin Hood outfit (it looks really cool) and DD had a Fair Maiden's headpiece thing. Didn't get anything for myself. Which was disappointing. However some of the stalls are online, so I will be perusing those while Hubs is in the mood for spending money! :D

Perhaps at some point I will have some interesting and outstanding news...This isn't one of them.

Woot! I got Chos'Ed!

Seriously I am that pathetic, it has made my day! Am not entirely sure what I have been chosen for, but hey, its the choosing that counts.

So first off, thanks, Magaly from Pagan Culture, I have never been chosen for nuffink before! ;)

"Here are the rules of the beautiful blogger award:
1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.


1) Did that bit

2) Seven things about me;
- I am going to get all my hair cut off tomorrow and dyed wacky colours. (Yes, I am *cough* 36 years old, but I am tired of looking like a frumpy cow.)
- When I was a wee girl I wanted to be a policewoman.
- I can make my arms look like they are on the wrong way round.
- I am addicted to the internet.
- I AM going to sort out my garden this year and make it both beautiful and practical. (Much like me! :P)
- I want to go to more foreign countries, but can't justify the environmental impact.
- Have recently realised that I have been Pagan for about 20 years. Which makes me feel both really old, and that I should know more Stuff! :D

3) The blogs that I have chosen are:
Bohemian Shadows New
Another blog of the same above person, Holistic Mum
The Compost Bin Not New

Ummm, now I am going to be a bit crap, as I haven't really looked at any new blogs for a while, but I promise to have a poke around and see what I can come up with. :D

Friendships.

What is Friendship?

–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.

Synonyms:
2. harmony, accord, understanding, rapport.


Throughout a person's life, friendships tend to be quite fluid and ever-changing. As we move from school to work, through different relationships, marriage, parenthood etc, the people that we consider to be friends can differ quite considerably. As children and teenagers, our friends are usually felt to be the most important people in our lives, surpassing parents and family. As adults we keep some of our childhood friends, and shed others. We develop more through different stages of our lifes, and again, they change as we get older.

I don't think we get to a point in our lives where we don't need friends. And it can be very hard when they are scarce on the ground. I know that people say "oh, my partner is my best friend" which is true, I do consider my husband to be my best friend. Just, he is one of my best friends. There are things that I don't want to share with him, that he doesn't need to know, that sometimes need to be whinged about by someone else who cares, but doesn't care too much!

A best friend can be just a phonecall away, but sometime a friend needs to be there in Real Life too. Which makes it hard when you don't have that person anymore.

And there I shall stop. Otherwise this may turn into a whine.

A Poem by me.

You Leave Me

You came, a wind that knocked me off my feet.
Feathers ruffled, emotions stirred,
You gave me a look that unlocked my spirit.
A friendship formed, secrets were shared and my life brightened.
Now you leave me alone.

Lives go on, they always must.
You go to start anew
My jealousy is not of reason.
A new beginning, a life completely fresh.
You leave me alone.

I had you in my heart for a year
Will you still be there forever?
A pain that aches, that I cannot share
No one to tell, not even you.
You leave me alone.

Fitting In

Human beings are social animals. We like to be part of a group. Ideally this would be a group of like-minded, friendly peers of our own choosing. Eventually if we are lucky, we have established a group like this (of varying sizes) by our adulthood.

However, for some reason society insists on throwing our children into large groups where the only thing in common is the year of their birth. Group dynamics and social status are set by who you are friends with and what your interests are. Often however, there is one child, for whatever reason doesn't quite fit in.

This would be my son. He is nearly 8 years old. The youngest of his year. I feel guilty as I know that it is somewhat my fault. We don't socialise with the other parents, other than superficial chitchat outside the classroom, but then we have very little in common with them. The area where we live, success is based on what car you drive, how big your house is, how much stuff you have. And in those terms, we are not successful. We don't drive, we live in a too small maisonette, and we don't do stuff. We are a bit weird, a bit radical, a bit different. Those aren't good things to a child.

It has come to a head this year when my son's best friend left school without a word. Owen came back from his holidays and his friend just wasn't there anymore. And the worst thing, he didn't even bother saying goodbye. (His mum has my contact details. There was no excuse to do that to a child.) But having his buddy gone has meant that his position in the class has changed. He is bestfriendless, and it hurts. The other kids seem to now barely tolerate him. He isn't allowed to join in games, he is told he is "rubbish", and that "boys with O in their names and who wear glasses can't join in..." Talking to the teacher hasn't really gone anywhere. We had assurances that things would be kept an eye on, and that support would be given. I mean, adults miss their friends, and this is an eight year old! However, I don't really think the support has been given to him.

I honestly don't know what to do. While I understand what is going on, the repercussions for us are that we have a miserably and stroppy child who argues and sulks over the slightest incident at home, because he is unhappy at school. I can't condone the bad behaviour, but I hate telling him off constantly for rudeness and inconsideration. It is upsetting as I feel so useless.

I know kids can be cruel. However, now having children of my own, I know that some of that cruelity is based on parental response. If your kids see you taking the piss out of other people they aren't going to think twice about doing it themselves. If you make a huge deal about your plasmascreen tv, then someone that doesn't have one must be weird.

We need to change our materialism, thatcherite/blairite, dogeatdog attitude, yet I look at the majority of the children around here, and it isn't happening.



This depressing post was brought to you by fed-upness irritation, and hopelessness.

101 Things To Do In 1001 Days

Am starting to think about doing this. There are lots of things I would love to do, and lots of things I need to do and I usually procrastinate my way out of them. Which is defeatist and silly. 1001 days is about 2 and 3/4 years. There isn't really much that can't be accomplished in that amount of time.

So I am going to start my 101 list and see where it leads me.

EDIT: This took me ages, and isn't really in any order of importance. Basically they were written as they popped into my head. I tried sorting them out, but it was too complicated.

101 Things To Do In 1001 Days.

1) Get down to between ten and a half/eleven stone.
2) Do an elimination diet and work out exactly what I am allergic to. DONE (dairy)
3) Establish an exercise routine that I enjoy and want to do.
4) Investigate laser eye treatment. DONE - CAN'T HAVE IT, EYES TOO WONKY
5) Save up for breast reduction.
6) Have at least one decent complementary therapy a month.
7) Buy myself a decent pair of trainers. DONE - Bought MBTs
8) Learn Yoga from a private tutor.
9) Go swimming every week. (DOING)
10) Learn how to do a handstand.
11) Join a Life Drawing class
12) Make space for a creative area in my home. (DONE)
13) Draw/Paint every week. (DOING)
14) Re-learn to use the sewing machine.
15) Learn to adapt/make clothes.
16) Make myself an outfit that is fit to be seen in.
17) Make a dress for Josie.
18) Learn to crochet.
19) Learn to knit
20) Make all my presents for the year.
21) De-clutter the flat (DONE)
22) Redecorate the flat (DONE)
23) Sell the flat (DOING)
24) Move into our lovely new big house (DONE) but not our forever house.
25) Create a garden following Permaculture ideologies
26) Do another Permaculture course
27) Grow most of our fruit and veg
28) Buy Organic Box Scheme fruit and veg to make up
29) Teach Owen and Josie how to garden
30) Create an outdoor temple space.
31) Start/join a Goddess group - DOING
32) Start/join a Pagan moot
33) Create a dedicated space in my home (DOING)
34) Celebrate the Esbats and Sabbats more formally. (DOING)
35) Visit Avebury
36) Go to the Goddess Conference again
37) Make myself a silk ritual robe
38) Memorise The Charge of The Goddess
39) Go on holiday to Malta and visit the Goddess sites
40) Go on a Bush craft course
41) Read a fiction book every month
42) Read a non-fiction book every month
43) Subscribe to a magazine for a year (Spirit and Destiny?)
44) Rejoin a library (DONE)
45) Join an Real Life book club
46) Charityshop all the books I will never read again
47) Write a children's storybook and illustrate it myself.
48) Write a novel, even if it's crap and I am the only one that reads it.
49) Write a proper Diary/Journal as well as Blogging
50) Do a formal course in Herbalism
51) Become less reliant on the telly for company (DONE)
52) Paint a fantasy world in Josie's bedroom (when she has her own room)
53) Let Owen decorate his own room.
54) Take singing lessons
55) Learn to ride a horse
56) Learn to belly dance
57) Get the tattoo I have always wanted
58) Get my nose pierced again
59) Go to a Farmer's Market DONE - new one to go every other month at least
60) Take more photos of Life and the Kids
61) Learn Welsh
62) Get over my fear of Maths (DONE)
63) Get my Maths GCSE DONE - passed Aug 2011
64) Look into options of becoming an English teacher
65) Find a job that I actually want and like to do
66) Set up a joint account for bills and such (DONE)
67) Set up a single account for odds and sods
68) Save money.
69) Go to the park once a week with the children
70) Go for summer picnics
71) Get hair cut really short and dye it a wacky colour DONE>
72) Stop being such a frump and let that inner BoHo out.
73) Learn to drive
74) Ride a motorbike
75) Wear sexy shoes at least once a month
76) Have only attractive underwear
77) Stay out alone all night in the "wilderness"
78) Start making own cosmetics.
79) Write my Will
80) Buy some expensive jewellery
81) Buy an original piece of art
82) Buy flowers once a month
83) Have a painting exhibited.
84) Teach Owen how to make a Journal
85) Make a "Date-Night" with husband
86) See friends at least one every other month.
87) Go to the cinema every other month (if haven't gone on Date-Night)
88) PERSONAL
89) Print off photos on PC and put in proper albums
90) Get an article published
91) Create a rockabilly outfit for going out
92) Sponsor a child
93) Go vegetarian for a month DONE, AND STILL DOING
94) Go vegan for a week DONE
95) Go to a concert of someone familiar SONISPHERE
96) Go to a concert of someone completely random SONISPHERE
97) Bake a cake once a week.
98) Start making own herbal remedies
99) Get a Northern Inuit dog
100) Create a monthly budget and stick to it
101) One takeaway every other month. (DONE) Less than that infact.

Starting a Group

I am seriously considering trying to set up a group. I know there are groups I could go to the further I go into London, but actually travelling in can be time-consuming and expensive. I also am feeling that there MUST be more likeminded people out there, that aren't either arseholes or flakes.

So what do I have to do? Firstly work out what type of group I want to do? Do I want to set up a Pagan Moot? (A monthly meeting in a pub for socialising/drinking.) A Circle at my home? I honestly don't know. I want to develop friendships with the possibility for working together. Am I looking at a women only group, or a mixed one? A Circle works better with just women, if I am honest, but a Moot works better with men. (Strange how having it in a pub changes the dynamic of a group.)

Then on the other hand, there is a distinct possibility that we will be moving from the area with the next 6 months, so is it worth even trying?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, just dunno.

Disillusionment...part deux

I have started to tentatively put my nose back out on the pagan scene. I was quite active a few years back, but after some horrible experiences I pulled my head back in. But I do miss it. I am not entirely sure why, but I want people that feel the same way about things as I do, or at the very least people that don't think I am a freak for feeling the way I do.

I just find that a lot of pagans/witches/insert your appropriate label here just don't seem to be on the same mindset as me. Now I have never expected people to be exactly the same as me, but I do get tired of being the odd one out.

I often have the conversation with my husband where we ponder if we really are the weirdos. The conclusion that we have come to is that we must be. We look at our peers, and we have very little in common with them. Our concerns and priorities aren't the same. And I just don't understand why that is. My concerns and priorities are based on what I consider to be common sense. But that appears to be different from what others consider common sense.

I am very disillusioned with People at the moment. I am just not that sure what to do about it.

Friendships (my musings and crappy self psychobabble)

My feelings about friendships are quite mixed. They have been for quite some time now. Throughout my life I have had friendships with people that haven't been particularly healthy. I think a lot of women at some point in their lives have the "Best Friend/Worst Enemy". That friend that is your BFF, yet manages to undermine you and make you feel small at every given opportunity. I spent my entire secondary school life best friends with "Mandy". Why? I have no idea. She made me feel like a great big, fat, stupid heffalump. Yet I didn't have the guts to break away, and on the rare occasions when I tried it, she manipulated the situation so most of my other friends would suddenly be on her side.

Once I left school we rarely saw each other, but now I have been thinking about it, I haven't really had a consistant BFF ever since. (Not in the sense of seeing regularly, iykwim). Is that down to opportunity, or did "Mandy" make me close off part of myself that I find it really difficult to trust people? How sad if that is the case, since it has been nearly 20 years now since I left school.

Don't get me wrong, I do have some great friends. But the RL ones are few and far between. (Literally!) Cornwall, Liverpool, New Zealand, so not people I can just pop around the corner and have a cuppa with on a whim. Other people who are closer, are harder work. I know people have their own lives, my own keeps me busy enough, but sometimes I do feel that it's always me that makes the effort. And then, on the other hand, I know I am equally crap on occasion.

However, I am married, and have been with my husband since I was eighteen. (Just realised that in 3 years time we will have been together for 20 years! HOLY SHIT!) Does that mean that I now forgoe the best friend? It has felt like that, with some people I am no longer friends with. I am still me, even if I am married, and being in a serious partnership doesn't mean we are a twinned set. I can and do and want to do things on my own.

I am finding it harder and harder to find people that I know I could develop a good, longlasting friendships with. I get on with people, and have mums to talk to on the school run, but that is about it. Nothing more. And being honest, I am quite lonely at the moment.

What do I want from a friendship at the moment;

1) Local - sounds silly, but it would be nice to have a mate that I could just go and see on a whim. Ring them up for a chat and a cuppa.
2) Gets my sense of humour (or lack of it on occasion) - I am a bit weird sometimes.
3) Nonjudgemental - I can be pretty out there on some ideas. As mentioned before I can be a bit weird.
4) Similar outlooks on life - we don't have to agree on everything, but generally a greenie, liberal pagan type would be good.
5) Mature - not necessarily in age, but I am sick of people behaving like teenagers when they haven't seen their teens for about 20 years. Being silly occasionally is fine, but being a twat 24/7 will just get on my nerves.
6) Not stupid, ignorant nor arrogant - super intellect isn't necessary, but having a mind and using it is a good thing.
7) Open-minded - willing to listen to anything and everything.

It seems a lot to ask for, but I would hope I would be able to offer someone what I ask for from them.