My feelings about friendships are quite mixed. They have been for quite some time now. Throughout my life I have had friendships with people that haven't been particularly healthy. I think a lot of women at some point in their lives have the "Best Friend/Worst Enemy". That friend that is your BFF, yet manages to undermine you and make you feel small at every given opportunity. I spent my entire secondary school life best friends with "Mandy". Why? I have no idea. She made me feel like a great big, fat, stupid heffalump. Yet I didn't have the guts to break away, and on the rare occasions when I tried it, she manipulated the situation so most of my other friends would suddenly be on her side.
Once I left school we rarely saw each other, but now I have been thinking about it, I haven't really had a consistant BFF ever since. (Not in the sense of seeing regularly, iykwim). Is that down to opportunity, or did "Mandy" make me close off part of myself that I find it really difficult to trust people? How sad if that is the case, since it has been nearly 20 years now since I left school.
Don't get me wrong, I do have some great friends. But the RL ones are few and far between. (Literally!) Cornwall, Liverpool, New Zealand, so not people I can just pop around the corner and have a cuppa with on a whim. Other people who are closer, are harder work. I know people have their own lives, my own keeps me busy enough, but sometimes I do feel that it's always me that makes the effort. And then, on the other hand, I know I am equally crap on occasion.
However, I am married, and have been with my husband since I was eighteen. (Just realised that in 3 years time we will have been together for 20 years! HOLY SHIT!) Does that mean that I now forgoe the best friend? It has felt like that, with some people I am no longer friends with. I am still me, even if I am married, and being in a serious partnership doesn't mean we are a twinned set. I can and do and want to do things on my own.
I am finding it harder and harder to find people that I know I could develop a good, longlasting friendships with. I get on with people, and have mums to talk to on the school run, but that is about it. Nothing more. And being honest, I am quite lonely at the moment.
What do I want from a friendship at the moment;
1) Local - sounds silly, but it would be nice to have a mate that I could just go and see on a whim. Ring them up for a chat and a cuppa.
2) Gets my sense of humour (or lack of it on occasion) - I am a bit weird sometimes.
3) Nonjudgemental - I can be pretty out there on some ideas. As mentioned before I can be a bit weird.
4) Similar outlooks on life - we don't have to agree on everything, but generally a greenie, liberal pagan type would be good.
5) Mature - not necessarily in age, but I am sick of people behaving like teenagers when they haven't seen their teens for about 20 years. Being silly occasionally is fine, but being a twat 24/7 will just get on my nerves.
6) Not stupid, ignorant nor arrogant - super intellect isn't necessary, but having a mind and using it is a good thing.
7) Open-minded - willing to listen to anything and everything.
It seems a lot to ask for, but I would hope I would be able to offer someone what I ask for from them.
I think the only remedy is to get yourself out there and join some RL social groups and communities. You may not find a BFF but with any luck you'll develop a larger network of friends than you have now.
ReplyDeleteGive some green activist groups a go, maybe. Your local Greenpeace chapter. Not PETA though.