This is me. Age 9. About the same age as my son is now. The hair is blonde, not grey, although my mother says I was 40 from the age of 4, my hair didn't show it. :P

I was a pretty little thing, although I didn't really feel it. Once again, hindsight is 20:20 and I was quite a sad little thing too. There were (are) father issues. Not anything too serious in some ways, but serious enough to have a lasting effect.

I can see both my son and daughter in this picture. My son seems to have inherited my somewhat melancholy nature. I want to shield them both from the harshness that can be our world, but I don't want to smother them in cotton wool and leave them vulnerable to the reality of life.

I try to show them what is good in the world too. My daughter is shouting "Spring is coming, Spring is coming" as we point to the buds and blossoms forming on the trees.

I want them to be happier than I was as a child. It is a work in progress.

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

Typical Hysterical Jugglings and Waffle

I want to be Vegan. I am pretty much Vegetarian most of the time (although I had some major slippage over the holidays, but am getting back on track now.) I don't eat dairy whatever, as it does Bad Things to me, so when combined with the veggism, I am about 65% on the way to being fully vegan, since I don't eat that many eggs.

Why I would like to be Vegan.

I think it is an ethical thing to do. The meat and dairy/egg industry is not nice in any way, shape or form. By abstaining from their products, I am no longer condoning an industry that has a devastating environmental effect on our world. Neither am I part of a business that sees animals/meat as a commodity to be bought and sold, and treated as a Thing rather than a Living Being.

It seems to be a healthier option for me. I take care over what I eat, and I plan and create interesting menus. If the added bonus that it helps me lose weight, then cool bananas as well.

However, I have several dilemmas that I am working through. As a Witch, I am very aware that Death is an integral part of Life, and that I, as a human being cannot survive in this world without something sacrificing its life for me. Whether that be plant or animal. Seeing the world as all interlinked and all Life being part of each other, on a spiritual level, how can I rationalise one form of Life over another?

On an environmental level, agriculture is not always the best use for land. Although we have taken raising animals for meat to an obscene extreme, there is an argument that says we need a certain amount of animals on the land to maintain the natural environment. Think sheep grazing on lowlands, they eat the grass that if left to its own devices would decimate the local flora. They are a part of the "circle of life" and to remove them from the ecosystem (which is the ultimate conclusion to veganism) then that ecosystem is destroyed.

What do I do with all my old animal products? Make up and toiletries with honey in them. Leather shoes, bags, boots, coats, etc... Wool? The list goes on and on.

I am not a WhiteLighter Witch. I am a Sweat, Spit, Blood and Shit kinda Witch. I am not scared of getting my hands dirty when I need to. So where does this leave Veganism?

I iz a Rawk Chick!

In little over a week, I am off to THIS. I am so looking forward to it and rocking out all over the place. I haven't seriously had a Great Big Let It All Out moment, let alone weekend for SUCH A LONG TIME.

I will confess I am quite the control freak sometimes. Well, actually a lot of the time. Partly because I am a parent of young children, and you HAVE to be in control the whole damn time with them as it's your job. But even when I don't have to be, I still rein myself in a lot.

I am not sure why though. Is it because I know that if I let go then it might get a bit scary and wild? I keep lots of stuff tightly held up inside, because I don't want to scare people. I am a bit of a nutcase. Not in a psychotic way, just my view of life is often very different from other people. People share things with me, often expecting me to be appalled and shocked, and I am like, "whatever floats your boat". The real exception to that stuff that hurts other people. That ain't on. (And I mean hurt people in a malicious or illegal way, BDSM doesn't faze me whatsoever.)

Sometimes I do feel really confined into a little box of my own making. It isn't a horrible box that I need to escape from, just sometimes I need to get out and stretch myself and run around like a loon.


(More to come later. Maybe.)

Friendships.

What is Friendship?

–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.

Synonyms:
2. harmony, accord, understanding, rapport.


Throughout a person's life, friendships tend to be quite fluid and ever-changing. As we move from school to work, through different relationships, marriage, parenthood etc, the people that we consider to be friends can differ quite considerably. As children and teenagers, our friends are usually felt to be the most important people in our lives, surpassing parents and family. As adults we keep some of our childhood friends, and shed others. We develop more through different stages of our lifes, and again, they change as we get older.

I don't think we get to a point in our lives where we don't need friends. And it can be very hard when they are scarce on the ground. I know that people say "oh, my partner is my best friend" which is true, I do consider my husband to be my best friend. Just, he is one of my best friends. There are things that I don't want to share with him, that he doesn't need to know, that sometimes need to be whinged about by someone else who cares, but doesn't care too much!

A best friend can be just a phonecall away, but sometime a friend needs to be there in Real Life too. Which makes it hard when you don't have that person anymore.

And there I shall stop. Otherwise this may turn into a whine.

D.I.V.A.

D = Divine

I = Incorrigible

V = Vivacious

A = Alive

How to be authentic.

How do you know when you are living your life authenticly? Can you really live authentically in this world, twentyfourseven? If authenticity is about living truthfully, what happens when some of those truths that we have to live with aren't particularly positive?

Are you living authentically if your life is full of compromise? Is compromise a bad thing? What if living authentically means radically changing the status quo of your life?

What happens when you feel you don't know what to do to live authentically in the first place?

Authentic Self

Feels optimistic
Is honest and open
Commits but is flexible
Thinks for themself
Goes with the flow, open to change
Wants to do their best
Knows when to apologize
Knows how to accept and receive
Negotiates
Listens to feelings
Takes responsibility
Acts when appropriate
Makes healthy choices
Knows when to stop and re-evaluate
Knows how to ask for help
Feels happy a lot of the time
Is tuned into a larger field of intelligence

The thing is when I look at that list, I would say (I hope) that I am most of those things most of the time. So does that mean I am authentic most of the time. If that is the case, then why don't I feel it. Is this just the "other" bit of most of the time?

My Biggest Flaw

Is probably PROCRASTINATION.

I seem to find lots of ways to not get on with what I need to get on with. For a start, I could be doing housework, as my daughter is napping. What am I doing? Blogging. About procrastinating. Yeah...

It's one of the reasons why I started the 101/1001 thing. Listing all the things I want to achieve makes them more real and I am more likely to actually do them.

But why do I procrastinate so much? I think a lot of it may be boredom if I am honest. I am not one of these Domestic Goddesses that loves housework. Much rather be a Domestic Slut! (Slut in the sense of messy and not very houseproud, not the sexualised version. See here, Domestic Sluttery) I loathe housework, it never ends. As soon as I get anything put away and tidy, it gets pulled out, used and left. So yes. Boredom is a major factor.

I suppose I can give myself credit that I don't tend to procrastinate about the Big Things. If something of importance has to be done, I usually get on and do it. Which is odd. If I do the biggies, why do the little things get ignored?

Perhaps some of it is Fear. Am I scared of going the whole hog on certain areas of my life because I am unsure of the outcomes or that I might not manage it? I do know I certainly hate failure. And having cocked up things like driving tests more than once, twice...(cough, and the rest!) I do not have any inclination of doing it again! Like my Maths GCSE. I don't have a grade sufficient to go into Teacher Training. I know I should just do it again, and then at least it opens up the option of TT in the future, but how will I feel if I fail it again?

Another factor to consider is Confusion. I really don't know what I am doing or where I am going at the moment. Some of that is because of an outside influence that I have no mundane control over, (however magick is being flung in it's direction to sort it out!) It does mean that we are stuck in this situation until it is sorted out. So even if I had any big plans they would be put in on hold.

I want to have some big plans though. I want to know that I have a future doing what I enjoy, is worthwhile, and while it doesn't have to make loads of money, a comfortable income would be appreciated. But when you just don't have a Scooby as to what you want to do, it makes it difficult to plan things.

So how do I sort this out? Any ideas? :P

Boredom is only sorted by doing Not Boring things. Housework is never going to be interesting to me. Could I hire a cleaner? Not really. Get the family to help. LOL! Yeah. Working Hubs tries to help, but is at work lots. DS is nearly 8, and DD is 1 and a half. Not really going to happen. DS does help to a point, but then makes mess elsewhere.

Fear. If I stopped failing at things, then I might not be so afraid of failure. Self defeating I am aware, but it doesn't change that feeling. Maybe do some tasks that I won't fail at? Aiming to do that with the 101/1001 list. I know that no-one thinks bad of me if I don't always succeed, but my Capricorn self has a really really hard time accepting it.

Confusion. I really really need a plan. I think that has to be my priority.

Well, that's it folks. Any advice on stopping procrastination would be appreciated, but be nice, since telling me to get off my lazy arse won't really help me much. (I say it to myself enough.)

Where have all the Grown Ups gone?

There is a side effect of our Youth obsessed culture that doesn't seem to be talked about much. But a number of events that have happened in the past few months have made me realise that most adults are so by chronological age, rather than maturity. There seem to be more and more examples of people that just need to grow the fuck up.

I don't mean that everyone should be sensible all the time, boring and unable to kick loose, but overall there are too many people I know who range in age from 25 to 60+, for all intents and purposes meant to be Grown Ups, who behave like immature adolescents.

I am really very tired of adults whinging about how crap their lives are, and how mean everyone is to them, and how the world owes them something. Too many people have Redwood size chips on their shoulders that they won't take responsibilty for.

I am the first to admit there are occasions where I drink too much, muck around and generally behave in a manner "unbecoming of a lady my age"!! But I don't do it often, I don't see it as a right and I certainly don't do it in front of my children.

In the workplace, bullying is rife. It is either ignored, condoned or encouraged. Therefore, because bullying is so commonplace, it is easy to slip into a victim mentality that isn't healthy. Now, don't get me wrong, being bullied is shit whoever you are. But recently I have experienced grown women pulling the "I am being bullied" card, because they aren't getting their own way. It seems to be so easy to pull out these labels and hide behind them, rather than actually working the situation out, even if it is hard work.

In every walk of life I am seeing it. Everything is always someone's fault. Why have we lost the ability to take responsibilty for our own lives? WE can't be looked after for ever.

The scariest part of it all is our future. What happens to children when their parents don't act like Grown Ups?

Love

What is love? A chemical reaction that causes us to attract suitable mates to reproduce? Or a spiritual, and emotional state that makes us human beings? Is our love for our children just a genetic tie to make us look after them? Or are our children part of our very being, and to love them is what makes us real?

There are so many types of love, the word doesn't really encompass them all. One thing that always makes me wonder is the assumption of the ONE TRUE LOVE.

We are brought up on the ONE TRUE LOVE from the moment we are told stories. Nearly all the fairy tales tell us that we must look for, wait for the ONE TRUE LOVE, and if we don't we are somehow deficient.

But what does this believe in the ONE TRUE LOVE mean? It kinda makes sense to me if you look at it from a "christian" point of view. Of course you would only have ONE TRUE LOVE, because you have only ONE TRUE GOD. The OTL sets up a very neat and tidy paradigm, so we all can fit nicely into our prescribed boxes. We are taught to believe that we can only love one person and that must be our OTL.

But are we limited into loving just one person? Or do we actually just not look down that road less traveled, because, well, because we aren't allowed to? "Nice, well-behaved people" don't have those thoughts or do those things. Yet we all love more than one person in all other areas.

Once we have more than one child, our love isn't shared between the two. It just grows. We love family and friends, in different measure and perhaps with a different love, but it's still love. We don't ever run out of love. So why must we only ever love our OTL?

The OTL dynamic also means that any love before or afterwards is somehow made less, less important and meaningful. If a relationship ends, and another one starts, comparisons are made with the OTL, and usually it ends up with a denial that the previously relationship was the OTL, or that this current relationship will never "quite" come up to scratch.

Love isn't a commodity, it should be given and taken freely and with joy. Maybe one day, we will be able to see what really should be our ONE TRUE LOVE is ourselves, and that sharing love doesn't mean that someone else is going to get less of it.

Disillusionment...part deux

I have started to tentatively put my nose back out on the pagan scene. I was quite active a few years back, but after some horrible experiences I pulled my head back in. But I do miss it. I am not entirely sure why, but I want people that feel the same way about things as I do, or at the very least people that don't think I am a freak for feeling the way I do.

I just find that a lot of pagans/witches/insert your appropriate label here just don't seem to be on the same mindset as me. Now I have never expected people to be exactly the same as me, but I do get tired of being the odd one out.

I often have the conversation with my husband where we ponder if we really are the weirdos. The conclusion that we have come to is that we must be. We look at our peers, and we have very little in common with them. Our concerns and priorities aren't the same. And I just don't understand why that is. My concerns and priorities are based on what I consider to be common sense. But that appears to be different from what others consider common sense.

I am very disillusioned with People at the moment. I am just not that sure what to do about it.

Disillusionment...

The meaning of disillusionment is "freeing from false belief or illusions". At face value this sounds quite positive, doesn't it? Unfortunately I think most of the time we become disillusioned when something we have believed to be true is found to be false. Which isn't necessarily a freedom that we always want. It might be the truth, but the truth can be cold, harsh and unwelcome.

I try very hard not to be a cynical, pessimistic person. It is becoming increasingly hard at the moment. I hate being in situations where I am watching from the outside and am helpless to change. All I can do is sit and wait it out.

What does this mean to me? There could be some radical changes happening in the not so distant future. They are changes that were on the cards anyway, however being prematurely pushed into the situation before we are ready could well be very uncomfortable.

To Be Continued...maybe...

Friendships (my musings and crappy self psychobabble)

My feelings about friendships are quite mixed. They have been for quite some time now. Throughout my life I have had friendships with people that haven't been particularly healthy. I think a lot of women at some point in their lives have the "Best Friend/Worst Enemy". That friend that is your BFF, yet manages to undermine you and make you feel small at every given opportunity. I spent my entire secondary school life best friends with "Mandy". Why? I have no idea. She made me feel like a great big, fat, stupid heffalump. Yet I didn't have the guts to break away, and on the rare occasions when I tried it, she manipulated the situation so most of my other friends would suddenly be on her side.

Once I left school we rarely saw each other, but now I have been thinking about it, I haven't really had a consistant BFF ever since. (Not in the sense of seeing regularly, iykwim). Is that down to opportunity, or did "Mandy" make me close off part of myself that I find it really difficult to trust people? How sad if that is the case, since it has been nearly 20 years now since I left school.

Don't get me wrong, I do have some great friends. But the RL ones are few and far between. (Literally!) Cornwall, Liverpool, New Zealand, so not people I can just pop around the corner and have a cuppa with on a whim. Other people who are closer, are harder work. I know people have their own lives, my own keeps me busy enough, but sometimes I do feel that it's always me that makes the effort. And then, on the other hand, I know I am equally crap on occasion.

However, I am married, and have been with my husband since I was eighteen. (Just realised that in 3 years time we will have been together for 20 years! HOLY SHIT!) Does that mean that I now forgoe the best friend? It has felt like that, with some people I am no longer friends with. I am still me, even if I am married, and being in a serious partnership doesn't mean we are a twinned set. I can and do and want to do things on my own.

I am finding it harder and harder to find people that I know I could develop a good, longlasting friendships with. I get on with people, and have mums to talk to on the school run, but that is about it. Nothing more. And being honest, I am quite lonely at the moment.

What do I want from a friendship at the moment;

1) Local - sounds silly, but it would be nice to have a mate that I could just go and see on a whim. Ring them up for a chat and a cuppa.
2) Gets my sense of humour (or lack of it on occasion) - I am a bit weird sometimes.
3) Nonjudgemental - I can be pretty out there on some ideas. As mentioned before I can be a bit weird.
4) Similar outlooks on life - we don't have to agree on everything, but generally a greenie, liberal pagan type would be good.
5) Mature - not necessarily in age, but I am sick of people behaving like teenagers when they haven't seen their teens for about 20 years. Being silly occasionally is fine, but being a twat 24/7 will just get on my nerves.
6) Not stupid, ignorant nor arrogant - super intellect isn't necessary, but having a mind and using it is a good thing.
7) Open-minded - willing to listen to anything and everything.

It seems a lot to ask for, but I would hope I would be able to offer someone what I ask for from them.

Ugly Betties

This isn't going to be a very empowering, gungho post about feminism, politics or witchcraft. It will probably read like a whingey, emo, teenangst blogpost that we all hate. But it's just how I am feeling at the moment.

I am not beautiful. This isn't a cry for sympathy or people to tell me "oh, but you are, blah blah blah..." It is simple honesty. Most of the time I don't really care. I know I can be beautiful, if I can be bothered to make the effort. But the basic scrubbed me is pretty much a plain jane. There should be nothing wrong with this, and like I said, most of the time I don't care. But sometimes I do.

I am fat too. I am doing something about it, not because I need to be slim, but because I want to be healthier for myself and my kids. My family's health is not great as they get older so I would rather sort it now when it is relatively easy to do. But add plain janeness and fat together and I feel like a total ugly lump.

It makes me feel a bit pathetic though, still being hung up on what I look like. It really shouldn't matter. So why does it? Why does it to me, and why does it to society? When does the mature assurance kick in and you really really don't give a fuck?

I feel like I am in a limbo some of the time. I am too old at 35 to be wearing stuff from Top Shop and the like, but my mum (54) is buying her clothes from Next and Wallis. My mum is cool, but I don't want to be dressing like my mum yet. Is that silly of me?

Okay, maybe there might be a bit of feminism in here. :P

I consider myself to be an feminist, trying to avoid falling into the traps of stereotypes of all forms, yet I don't seem able to get myself out of this one. I know I am worth more than my looks. So why is it still so important to me that I can have days where I can't bear the sight of my reflection. I wouldn't think so little of someone else, so why do I beat myself with this stick?

Answers on a postcard please...

Words of Power

As Witches we all know that words have Power. As Women we know words have Power. So why do so many people get irritated by the words Wimmin, Wombyns, Herstory and other words that have been created by the Feminist and Dianic movement. I will admit I did for a while, they just sounded so silly. But then I understood it, their silliness aside, it is important to have these words because they make people think. They jump out of you, and give your subconscious a nudge. They make you question the status quo, and realise that yes, History does alienate women. It is HIs Story. woMEN, etc, etc...

People that say these things have no effect, I will ask you, so NLP doesn't work then? For those that don't know, NLP is this,

NLP is about Language

Language affects how we think and respond. The very process of converting experience into language requires that we condense, distort, and summarise how we perceive the world.

NLP provides questions and patterns to make our communication more clearly understood. NLP teaches us to understand how language affects us through implicit and embedded assumptions.

The English language is full of traps and pitfalls for the unwary communicator... for example, if you are told NOT to think of a kangaroo, you will immediately think of a kangaroo, which is the opposite result from that intended!

Listen for the use of implied assumptions when you use the word "but". For example, "I like the way that you did that piece of work, but... ." The listener tends to forget everything that went before the "but", waiting for problems to emerge.

Since advertisers, the media and politicians use language to convey their messages, learning about language through NLP can increase awareness and "consumer protection" for your mind.
http://www.anlp.org/index.asp?CatName=What%20is%20NLP&CatID=32&PageID=199

Words have the power to change, to ridicule, to support, to harm, to do magick. So surely changing words that have hidden agendas is a valid exercise? Whether you like them or not.

The obligatory introduction post...

Introductory posts always leave me a bit cold. I never know what to say, and really no-one cares that much. People want the interesting anecdotes and wry observations, not the reasons behind another new blog. However, I will give it my best go, and hopefully something interesting might come to light.

Who am I? Well, apparently to some of the other mums at the school gates, I am the prim and proper one, the quiet one who doesn't swear. Needless to say, these women don't really know me that well. I am the slightly overtired mother of two beautiful children, who are completely fantastic and adorable, and have driven me ever-so-slightly round the bend. I am married to a decent bloke. He is one of the best example of what a man should be that I have ever come across, so I am pretty glad that I married him. I am the daughter of an intelligant and hardworking mother, and a troubled father. I am a Pagan Witch, who follows no particular creed or tradition. My politics are very liberal and green, however I do find deliberate ignorance and arrogance very offensive.

What do I want? I do have other blogs elsewhere, but sometimes I want to get my thought of different issues down "on paper". Hopefully they won't just be a pile of wiffle and might hold something of interest.

If anyone ever reads this, hopefully they will get something from it...