This is me. Age 9. About the same age as my son is now. The hair is blonde, not grey, although my mother says I was 40 from the age of 4, my hair didn't show it. :P

I was a pretty little thing, although I didn't really feel it. Once again, hindsight is 20:20 and I was quite a sad little thing too. There were (are) father issues. Not anything too serious in some ways, but serious enough to have a lasting effect.

I can see both my son and daughter in this picture. My son seems to have inherited my somewhat melancholy nature. I want to shield them both from the harshness that can be our world, but I don't want to smother them in cotton wool and leave them vulnerable to the reality of life.

I try to show them what is good in the world too. My daughter is shouting "Spring is coming, Spring is coming" as we point to the buds and blossoms forming on the trees.

I want them to be happier than I was as a child. It is a work in progress.

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

Serious Slumpage.

I am now entering the comedown stage of the awesomeness that was Sonisphere. You know, the bit where you realise that all that anticipation and enjoyment is now over and done with and we are back to mundane reality.

I know that I am going to Cornwall in a couple of weeks, but if I am honest, it doesn't have the same level of excitement that Sonisphere had.

So yeah, crappy mood has descended upon me. I know the reasons why. I just wish the emotional response to it all wasn't so clichéd. (It doesn't help that I am unlikely to see the friend that we went with for a really long time again, and I miss them lots when I don't see them.)

Walk on by, nothing to see here...

I don't really know where to start, so if this sounds like whinging mindless drivel, then you'd be right. It is. My mood hasn't really been that great for a while really. Knowing the reasons why doesn't make it any easier to deal with. There are a number of things going on in my life which I don't really want or need, but they are there all the same.

I am just so tired, fed up, cross, and generally not "at one with the world". And FinL's new cancer diagnosis is possibly the last straw. Once again, I have to be strong and supportive, and be there for Hubs. And you know what my reaction to that is right now? Well, it isn't great. It basically seems to boil down to, "FFS! Again?

I am the one constantly cheerleading from the homefront, telling everyone that things will get better, we will be alright, our situation will sort itself out, and you know what, it's hard fucking work being Pollyanna all the time, especially when it isn't particularly natural to you.

I am naturally a pessimistic moany old Bitch. I can't do nice all the time. But that's all I am doing at the moment. The only people I socialise with are my family, and quite frankly a lot of time, they are the people I have issues with. Unfair perhaps, but still true.

I am supporting Hubs because of his family's health (and the impact it could have on his). I have been supporting through the utter shit that his old school caused him, and will support him if this contract does end in December. I am supporting my mum, since my dad is being his normal ignorant, arrogant arsey self, her work is being shit, and generally she isn't particularly happy either at the moment. But since she is going through all of that, there is no way I can burden any of my crap on her, and quite frankly even if I did, there isn't anything she could do or say about it, so what's the point?

My brother is trying to get his act together in some aspects and not so much on others. The fact he is nearly 26, jobless, girlfriendless and quite honestly has no life means that he is a bundle of joy to be around at the moment as well.

I have gotten so good at pretending everything is alright, that everyone believes me when I say I am fine.

I am not fine. I haven't been for a while now.

Words of Waffle

In my heart and soul lives and loves a dragon.
My dragon roars loudly.
Who is my dragon?
Is she me, is she free?


YOU THINK TOO HARD
Everything must be perfect.
Proper.
Practical.
Prat.


Why I am?

How to be authentic.

How do you know when you are living your life authenticly? Can you really live authentically in this world, twentyfourseven? If authenticity is about living truthfully, what happens when some of those truths that we have to live with aren't particularly positive?

Are you living authentically if your life is full of compromise? Is compromise a bad thing? What if living authentically means radically changing the status quo of your life?

What happens when you feel you don't know what to do to live authentically in the first place?

Authentic Self

Feels optimistic
Is honest and open
Commits but is flexible
Thinks for themself
Goes with the flow, open to change
Wants to do their best
Knows when to apologize
Knows how to accept and receive
Negotiates
Listens to feelings
Takes responsibility
Acts when appropriate
Makes healthy choices
Knows when to stop and re-evaluate
Knows how to ask for help
Feels happy a lot of the time
Is tuned into a larger field of intelligence

The thing is when I look at that list, I would say (I hope) that I am most of those things most of the time. So does that mean I am authentic most of the time. If that is the case, then why don't I feel it. Is this just the "other" bit of most of the time?