Monday, December 12, 2011


What defines a person's identity? Is identity a social construct or self-defined boxes that we create for ourselves?

Is it what other people think of you? Is it the image that you have in your head about yourself? A mixture of the two, or something entirely different?

We think we have a certain amount of control over our identities, but really are we just constrained with what society expects of us, or what our family and friends want from us?

When you meet people for the first time can you ever be truly authentic in how you put yourself across, or do you just be yourself, warts and all? Do you put yourself forward as something that you aren't and then revert to true type after a certain amount of time?

I will admit identity is something that I think about a lot. Possibly because I am aware that I perhaps have more than one identity and will only let certain trusted friends into what might be considered to be the real me. Does that mean that the me that goes around on a daily basis is false, or just a more subdued version of me? Hopefully it is just a more subdued version of me. Diluted for generic public consumption.

However is holding back being authentic and genuine? Can aspects of a subdued personality actually do you a disservice when people take you at face value and make no attempt to get to know you any further than that? However if that is the case, then surely that is the issue of the person making the assumptions rather than the person who withholds some of themselves?

What reasons could there be for withholding the real you from whomever you met?
The simplest reasons I can imagine would be shyness and self-preservation. True friendship is earnt and while you can see the potential for possible true friends quite early in a relationship, I think we all have had experience of someone showing their not so pleasant true colours later on, and getting our fingers burnt (or hearts broken).

I think at the end of the day, I can't really be anyone that I am not, and although I might show different facets of myself to different people in different situations, they are still only parts of the one whole. And it takes a very special person who I will allow to see the whole Me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Empty Head by Owen (age 10yrs and 4 months)

Empty Head

An idea came
Flew into my head
So huge
So terrifying
An idea came
Its emerald green eyes paralysing its prey
Its thrashing wings creating whirlwinds in the sky
Its roar echoes through the planet
Its burning scarlet scales
Contrast with its golden glistening horns
A silver tipped tail slashes the air
Poisonous bloodstained fangs sink into the earth
Static claws illuminate the clouds
An idea came
I wanted it to stay
Its fiery breath burns me
Its icy spit freezes me
It flew away to oblivion
It was gone.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Umm, yeah. No excuse really for ignoring the blog, just haven't really thought about it much to update here.

Not sure where I want to take this blog. Personal updates of "I took the kids to school, did housework, blah blah blah" don't make for a particularly interesting read (or that great for me to write either.)

However I don't want to stop writing about stuff that I feel passionately about, angry about or just generally WTF about. Do I use prompts to help me get the creative juices following? Do I pimp myself out on other blogs I read to try and get more inspiration there? (If you are following me, then ideas of what to write about would be greatly appreciated.)

It isn't like I don't have enough time to get on here, but that may be part of the problem. Too much free time. Often it is when I am busy that I think of wicked things to write about, but by the time I sit down to write about it, I forget what I thought of.

So, do I write about politics? Our fucked up society? The state of the planet? Sex? Religion? Steps reforming?

Universe! Send me some ideas!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Quiet of late...

but I do think I have a bloody good excuse, what with moving to the bottom of the planet and all that! :D

Yep, we are in the Back of Beyond now, and it's rather windy, chilly and not many penguins yet. Other than that, all is pretty good (other than the missing people like crazy part).

There is a blog of our adventures out there if you can be bothered. Twinned With Whitby if you fancy a read. I shall be keeping this blog though for my normal ramblings and musings.

So hope you stick around.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Generation X,Y and Z. The End Of Days...

Society has become obsessed with Consuming. Your own personal worth is dictated by the things that you have. Not what you know, or what you do, but what you have. We must all Live to Work, to create money to get the stuff we want, and to make ever increasing profit. If you don't have things, or show off the things that you have, then you have no social status or standing amongst your peers.

If you have children, you must give them stuff to show them how much you love them and how important they are. The more expensive the better. It doesn't matter that you may put yourself in debt, your children will just see that as a sign of how important and loved they are. Things equal attention, affection and love.

We are told on a daily basis that we must consume more, have more, we need more, we are lacking without, in fact we are worse than that, we are somehow less, meaningless, not worthy if we do not have the things we are told we want.

We watch governments, professional politicians taking money away from us, with no return. We see big business evading taxes, putting prices up and making profit off of us. We see the banks, taking money from us, then us again through the government bailouts and then again through government taxes with no return.

We live in a society based on Greed. So why are we surprised when people who see these big businesses, government, banks and professional politicians taking from us indiscriminately, start to do it themselves?

Why is it right for them and wrong for the others? The answer is that it isn't right for ANYONE to take from others. Whether it be a politician fiddling his/her expenses, big business evading taxes and profiteering from us, or masked looters smashing in windows of JD Sports. IT IS ALL FUCKING WRONG!!!


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Spookiness Abounds...

My Bestie from Uni and I went to see this; Ghost Stories at the Duke of York theatre on Monday evening.

It has been hyped to be one of the scariest things you will ever see, and that audiences have been hysterical about it. So Louise and I were looking forward to have the absolute crap scared out of us. We got to the theatre a little early, and got the drinks in. The theatre had been decked out like an abandoned building with yellow Police Only tape strewn about, random numbers scrawled on the walls and spooky noises throughout.

We sat in the bar for about 15 minutes, sharing our own scary stories and basically winding ourselves up before going in for the show itself.

We had Stall seats right at the end of the row, three rows from the front(!), so I made Louise sit on the outside, so if anything jumped out of the door next to us, then It would get her first! :P (I am such a nice friend.)

I can't really tell you much about the play itself (spoilers, darling). The premise of it being a lecture on the paranormal was cool, even to the point where the Lecturer's thesis was one I thought "ooh, I wouldn't mind doing that." The three stories/examples that were used through the show were creepily done, even if I have read way too much on ghosts and urban myths so recognised a great deal of the ideas/inspiration about the stories. But as discussed with Louise afterwards, using stories that people (the audience) are kind of familiar with is a very good way of engaging them.

The whole set up was geared to make you uneasy, (strange noises, weird lights and blasting the really cold air conditioning up high, I recommend take a cardie or jumper,) and it works well. You do need to go with the frame of mind as you do when venturing onto a ghost train. You want to be scared, in a safe way and have fun doing it. So on that level, I do think that Ghost Stories was a success. Yes, it was a little predictable, but ghost stories usually are.

All in all, 7/10. I thoroughly enjoyed it, was a little bit frightened while it was going on, but not so much I couldn't sleep that night. (Especially in a strange old spooky hotel.)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I am moving overseas at the end of August. Exciting but eversoslightly terrifying as well. It has literally been on the cards for years, just have never been completely sure what the Big Change that was promised would actually be. (Was really really hoping it wasn't another baby as I so don't want/need to be doing that again.)

So yeah, when Hubs got a job on the other side of the world, I Knew that this was it. A chance to leave behind all the crap of the UK and start again.

It is rather overwhelming when I think of it too much and I wonder what it will be like. The seasons are opposite to here, so we will be moving into the Spring Equinox energy when we get there. It gives us the opportunity to move away from the Christianised version of the Sabbats, since Easter will be at the Autumn Equinox, and Christmas will be in the middle of the Summer. (Which undoubtedly will mess with my tiny little mind a lot.)

The one thing is does mean that although Christmas may be happening in the Summer, we can still have our Winter Solstice celebrations (Yule) and make a big deal out of it, which will help to alleviate some of the confusion that the kids may have. (Yes, Pagans get to have two Crimbos!)

What I have wondered though, is will I be the only Witchy type Pagan out there? I have been told that there is someone out there, (described as a White Witchy type, which makes my hackles rise, but may just be a Non-Pagan's description of them.) Whether or not they will have anything in common with me, remains to be seen, but it would be nice to think that we might do.

However, if we don't, so be it. I shall cope. It will be interesting to see what happens to my Witchcraft and stuff when I have more time and space to get on and do it. Who knows, I might even set up my own Trad! :P

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sorta Rape, Not Real Rape... (Warning...possible triggers.)

There has been a lot in the press this week stemming from comments made by a couple of Conservative MPs (and one MEP.)

Firstly Nadine Dorries introduced the Bill, that if passed would mean that girls between the ages of 11-15 would have lessons in sexual abstinance. Just girls, mind you. Not boys... Guardian article on the Bill

Then in a television interview, she came out with, I quote;
“If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."

Later that same week, Ken Clarke came out with comments that could be construed as meaning that some rapes are somehow less than other. He did try to clarify what he meant, but still managed to show his little understanding of what he was talking about in the first place. Ken Clark Clarifies?

He was then defended by the MEP, Roger Helmer, who definitely feels some rape is worse than other rape. "Women share some of the responsibilty"

Let's just say it's been a bad week for Tory politicians opening their mouths without thought, but also a bad week for us all when we look at these views in a broader perspective.

Nadine Dorries...WTF? Seriously? My mind cannot comprehend that a modern woman would come out with this claptrap. But when you take on board her religious and political beliefs (Fundie and very RightWing) it all becomes clear. I really don't even have to pull her ideas apart to show how ridiculous they are. But unfortunately, there are those that while agree that her Bill for single sex abstinance education is ridiculous fail to see how those ideas translate into the comments that her male colleagues make later in the week.

If we are teaching young girls that they must hold ALL sexual responsibility, as women, they STILL must hold that responsibility at all times, and if they are raped, then somehow it must be their fault. Your clothing, your attitude, your whereabouts, your alcohol consumption are all questioned in an attempt to show how a woman's actions contribute to her rape. And if you happen to be raped by someone you know (the majority of all rapes) then all of that, AND your sexual history is taken into account.

Dorries' comments that “If a stronger ‘just say no’ message was given to children, there might be an impact on sex abuse. A lot of girls, when abuse takes place, don’t realise until later that that was wrong because sex is so common in society."

Because when a sexual predator is about to abuse someone, saying no always stops them...What? You mean it doesn't?

Abuse isn't about sex. Like rape, abuse is about POWER! The power of one person over another!

I know I will be preaching to the converted here, but rape and abuse is about violent power over another. It isn't just about sex, or sexual gratification, it has a whole load of other nasties wrapped up along with it.

But the bottom line is, if a woman or man says they don't want to have sex at ANY point of the act, they have that right, and whoever they are with MUST STOP NO MATTER WHAT!

It infantalises and demeans men when the notion that they are somehow incapable of stopping having sex at any given moment is put forward as an excuse, and that when they have an erection or intercourse, that their minds switch off entirely and they become little more than drooling sexual automatons.

On a very personal note, I will share some of my more nasty sexual experiences...(Possible Trigger Alert)

The first time I had sex. I was sixteen, a bit of a social klutz, and generally a bit of a emo teenage mess. I was unsure if I wanted to do anything, but found myself led along and plied with alcohol, so when I really did want to stop, it didn't happen. I "changed my mind" at the last moment, so I know that I fall into that catagory of "it's not proper rape", but imho he had the power, he didn't stop when I wanted him to, and while I don't feel I have any long lasting damage from the event, it still means the first time I had sex is not something I feel fondly about.

I once met someone and went on a few dates with him. He was quite a bit older than me (at Uni while I was still at school.) He was nice enough, and then one Saturday morning, I met him at his digs thinking we were going to go out. As I turned up, his housemates were leaving. He was still in a dressing gown. To cut a long story short, I spent most my time trying to fend off his advances, to stop him trying to "persuade" me to go upstairs with me, and it ended with me managing to get out of the house. (Thank the Gods it wasn't locked.) and ran to a friend's house around the corner. At her house, I managed to rearrange my clothes and refasten my bra that he had managed to undo. Was this a sexual assault? Probably. Did I tell anyone other than my friends? No. Did I think I was an idiot for getting myself into that situation? Yes. However, I didn't ask for any of it, I wasn't expecting it, and why should he have thought he could get into knickers just because he felt like it.

On more than one occasion, I have had my hand forced down someone's trousers to get them off. Even to the point, that the young man in question didn't want me, he wanted my friend, but when I went out of the party to tell him that, he felt he would make do with me instead...

I have lost count of the times I have had my breasts groped and poked by men thinking that because I have spoken to them, maybe even kissed them, that I was "up for it".

It doesn't happen anymore. I am older and wiser and know how not to get myself into those situations. (Or as some arse would say, I am fatter and uglier now...a whole different issue in itself).

I never reported or told anyone (who could/would do anything about them) about these incidents, but I can guarantee that every woman out there probably has similar tales. Does this mean we were all asking for it?

Friday, May 20, 2011

I will post something serious soon, I promise...

But not yet.

I don't know who this is, or what he is saying, but Josie and I love it. It's the bouncing snowball from Finland as far as we are concerned. I am posting it here, as I have to play it every day for Josie...*sigh*

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Things I will miss and won't miss...

When we move to the Falkland Islands, life is going to be very different. Not bad, just not what I am used to. I am a little bit apprehensive about this, but I hope it will be the impetus to get off my fat arse and do some things I really want to do.


Friends and Family (goes without saying, really!)
Hertford Farmers' Market
My herb garden
The local flora and fauna
Restaurant Curry
New books

Bad attitudes
Christmas hype in the shops 3 months before the actual event.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Eating Daisies.

At the moment, I need to keep reminding myself that my emotional response to things is out of proportion to the actual reality of the situation. I am indeed overreacting.

There is a course starting in September just up the road from me, run by Sensory Solutions. It is a year long herbal apprenticeship (not cheap, but worth the money) and if I was in the country I would be all over it like an overenthusiastic labrador! But I ain't.

Now what I will be doing is wicked and amazing and a chance of a lifetime, and it isn't like I don't want to go. I just think it's fecking typical that this kinda thing crops up now when I won't be here.

And like I said, I am disportionately disappointed about it. Not entirely sure whether this disappointment is from the fact I have finally found a course that I want to, or that I should have been doing this type of work on my own and just got on with it. Is my procrastination kicking me up the arse again?

The thing is, yes, I could have probably done it on my own, but it is nice to speak to like-minded people that don't think you are bonkers and can help you out if the need arises.

And finally, Daisies taste of Happy and Rocket(Arugula)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tattoos I want...

And probably will never have the guts to do! ;)

A combination of Celtic knot-work with Indian Henna style patterns.
A Mouse
A circle of holly leaves and oak leaves, with berries and acorns.
A triple moon
A dragon.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

From my more Witchy Blog

This is a post from one of my other blogs, which is more Witchcraft and Spirituality based.

Magick in the Back of Beyond

I would have just crossposted it, but my highlighting thingey isn't working, which is a pain in the bum.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"Borrowed" from Existing's Tricky.

FROM HERE, Existing's Tricky

I would suggest that you check out Shanna's actual blog, since it is interesting, but also because this post has lots of interesting clickylinky bits in it, that I can't transfer over. (My laptop has given up on the highlighting thing which is rather frustrating.)

100 Tips to Heal the Body, Mind and Spirit
In honor of my 100th post (woohoo!!!) I have put together a list of healing tips for body, mind and soul:

1. Drink Green Smoothies Daily
2. Laugh for at least a minute each day
3. Bounce on a rebounder
4. Spend time with animals; experience puppy love
5. Soak up the sun; Vitamin D gives us pep and healthy skin!
6. Keep your mind active by doing puzzles
7. Practice Yoga
8. Say affirmations in the mirror daily
9. Tell yourself "I love you" every time you look in a mirror
10. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
11. Get a series of colonics annually
12. Do enemas weekly
13. The Violet Flame
14. Ressonance Repatterning
15. Journal Daily
16. Meditate at least 15 minutes each day
17. Experience Vipssana
18. Get a massage
19. Eat lots of Superfoods
20.Practice Gratitude daily

21. Create your own Quantum Shift statement and focus on it
22. Practice Reiki or schedule a session
23. Go on a 7 day Sugar Cleanse
24. Send Love Letters to your family and friends
25. Wear a sleep mask at night
26. Go Vegan for 30 Days
27. Cultivate your friendships
28. Use a Skin Brush daily before showering
29. Use a Neti Pot to clear your nostrils
30. Go Barefoot as often as possible
31. Practice the Healing Codes
32. Take a detox bath
33. Experience tuning fork sound therapy
34. Write a letter to the Universe
35. Climb your way to more positive thoughts daily
36. Buy Crazy Sexy Diet and do the 21 Day Adventure Cleanse
37. Practice Forgiveness daily
38. Take time to cry it out
39. Practice deep breathing techniques
40. Do Donna Eden's 5-Minute Daily Energy Routine

41. Practice the Script, a spiritual healing prayer
42. Check your PH daily
43. Mentally bless people who annoy you
44. Release your romantic illusions
45. Add Cinnamon to your meals
46. Create a Vision Board
47. Do these healing workbook exercises
48. Eliminate coffee from your diet
49. Do a parasite cleanse
50. Do a gall bladder cleanse
51. Detox with an infra-red sauna
52. Pray
53. Go to YouTube and listen to channelings from Bashar
54. Practice the Law of Attraction
55. Read these books
56. Stop gossiping
57. Make only positive posts online
58. Take your vitamins
59. Drink green, red and yerba mate teas
60. Write your New Moon Abundance Checks

61. Get Reconnected
62. Practice Ho'oponopono
63. Raise your vibrations with Vibes Up
64. Declutter your space
65. Use the mirroring exercise when people ruffle your feathers
66. Use Oracle Cards as guides
67. Put in your favorite CD and shake your booty!
68. Serve Others
69. Get in balance
70. Read Eat, Pray, Love
71. Erase the word "should" from your vocabulary
72. Subscribe to "The Daily Love" a beautiful daily e-newsletter
73. Eat lots of carrots
74. Get a Zapper
75. Get a tongue scrapper
76. Take off your bra as often as possible, they constrict your lymph nodes
77. Use Tooth Soap to heal your cavities and create healthy teeth
78. Write yourself a love letter
79. Use flower essences
80. Read Marianna Williamson's "A Reflection on a Course of Miracles"

81. Take yourself on a date
82. Use coconut oil on your skin after showering
83. Stand naked in the mirror and tell each and every body part, organ, cell "I Love You"
84. Cut out carbs for a week
85. Cut out processed foods permanently
86. Eliminate soda pop from your diet
87. Take the "No TV for 30 Days" challenge
88. Take time to feel your feelings
89. Go to the Farmer's Market
90. Go on a Media Diet
91. Learn how to say "NO" with grace
92. Do some Spiritual House Cleaning
93. Drink lots of water
94. Take Probiotics
95. Chew your meals mindfully
96. Give yourself hugs
97. Practice visualization techniques
98. Stretch every morning when you get up
99. Learn the Tibetan Rejuvenation Rites
100. Love Yourself

Monday, March 21, 2011

This is me. Age 9. About the same age as my son is now. The hair is blonde, not grey, although my mother says I was 40 from the age of 4, my hair didn't show it. :P

I was a pretty little thing, although I didn't really feel it. Once again, hindsight is 20:20 and I was quite a sad little thing too. There were (are) father issues. Not anything too serious in some ways, but serious enough to have a lasting effect.

I can see both my son and daughter in this picture. My son seems to have inherited my somewhat melancholy nature. I want to shield them both from the harshness that can be our world, but I don't want to smother them in cotton wool and leave them vulnerable to the reality of life.

I try to show them what is good in the world too. My daughter is shouting "Spring is coming, Spring is coming" as we point to the buds and blossoms forming on the trees.

I want them to be happier than I was as a child. It is a work in progress.

Friday, March 18, 2011

One Step Closer

To what could be the biggest change in our lives...


Neil has had his interview for an overseas job, which he feels went well. We will find out in the next week or so whether he has it or not.

This is very exciting, and we are trying not to pin our hopes on it too much. (Although that is probably too late now. :P

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Pierces - You''ll Be Mine

Any song that has the line "Prick your finger on a spinning wheel" is good for me. And I love the video as I am actually a total Fluffy! :P

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I am not very cool! :P

This just proves it.

Am listening to the guilty pleasure that is slightly naff music that I really like.

Bryan Adams - Run To You. I was only 10 when this song came out, but I have always liked it. And he was one of my first crushes. (Bless!)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Touch me.

The softest, slightest, gentlest touch from the tips of your fingers.
Your hand tightly, firmly holding my wrists together
As your other closes the steel cuffs.
The opposites of sensation.
Is all I want from you.


I have a guilty little secret,
One I cannot share.
A dirty little secret
That only I can bear.

My secret makes me naughty,
A giggle and a look.
I was caught in an instant,
Sinker, line and hook.

What is my little secret?
Well, that I cannot tell.
One mistaken whispered word,
And I am off to hell!


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I know you love me.

I know you love me, but,
Sometimes you need to hold my hand.
Sometimes you need to throw caution to the wind
And whisk me away from reality.

I know you love me, but
Sometimes my quietness is actually just loneliness,
Sometimes the words spoken are shadowed by the words
Left unsaid.

I know you love me, but
Sometimes I need to feel more from you
Sometimes I need the passion, the fireworks and the drama
That makes us feel alive.

I know you love me, but
It just doesn’t feel like it anymore.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Children in the Marital Bed.

If you are a parent, at some point or another you will have had one of your children sleep in bed with you. It isn't the exactly the biggest parenting issue in the world. However, today it was decided (on telly) that it was a Bad Thing.

What gets me though, it wasn't a Bad Thing because of the disturbed sleep and uncomfortableness, etc, etc. It was a Bad Thing because it impacts on your relationship... Poor old Daddy feels left out, and that he is being usurped from his rightful place in his marital bed and he can't have sex in it, so Mummy can't love him anymore and that's bad and it's all the fault of the child sleeping in the bed with them...

Umm. No.

If you do have a child in bed with you, then work out what the reason is for that. Are they ill? Having nightmares? Or are you just too tired to put them back into their own bed? Remember that as that child grows up, they aren't going to be wanting to sleep in the bed with you so why worry about the odd night when they are little. If it is every night, then perhaps there is an issue there, but quite frankly having a kid in the bed every night is a symptom of a problem, not the actual problem...

Mummy doesn't want to have sex with Daddy? That isn't because there is a kid in bed with you. That's a bigger issue, and you are blaming a symptom rather than the problem. If Mummy wants to have sex with Daddy, she will find a way to have sex with Daddy! (NEWSFLASH!!! You don't have to have sex just in the bed!)

Sometimes Mummy doesn't want to have sex with Daddy cos she is too damn knackered and bed is mainly for sleeping in!! If it is purely just tiredness, this is pretty easily remedied with, guess what? SLEEP!! How about getting someone else to look after the kids every now and again, and letting Mum have some peace and quiet? Not exactly rocket science. And if she still doesn't want to have sex, then make the effort to find out why? Is that too much to ask?

This is another way men are made out to be little more than infants. When in fact, they are Grown Ups too. Makes me soooo cross when the act of Parenting is set up as somehow damaging to Relationships. It isn't. So get over it!

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Black Imp.

At least Don Quixote had his windmills.
You mindlessly tilt at nothing.
Your words and actions don’t match up
And your pain and misery spreads like the plague.
Angrily shouting about Honour and Truth
Yet your Honour has gone
And your Truth has slipped you by.

Man of substance
Your portrayal is flawed.
The Black Imp of Deceit sits at your feet
A constant companion.
You don’t even notice him.
Your Gods are watching even if you don’t care.
They notice as you break your vows.

Payback is a Bitch.
SHE is merciless and unyielding.
SHE has no care for your feelings or motives,
SHE sees only cold naked fear and truth.
SHE will hold you up
Weigh your soul.
And find you lacking.

They Watch.

She sat in the circle. Alone and vulnerable, with only a line of salt to protect her. Her only light a single candle. They looked at her from the outside. They couldn’t reach her without breaching the circle.
They knew what she was getting herself into, but they could not warn her. They knew nothing would be the same once again. They hoped it would not burn her soul too much.
Placed in front of the woman was a goblet. Dark liquid filled its bowl. They watched her mutter some strange incantation and lift the vessel to her mouth. She drank it down. Her eyes opened and her Universe shattered into sharp pieces.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I am probably a bit too loyal.

If I have made the decision to be your friend, then it takes an awful lot for me to end that friendship. Only when I have had my heart pulled out and trampled on will I walk away. And even then, under some circumstances I will let them back in if they had a good enough reason for being so horrid in the first place.

So it is really really hard for me to deal with a friend who says they are my friend, want to continue to be my friend, but make bugger all effort in actually BEING a friend. I give them so much slack, but it hurts when I feel like they don't care.

I have other friends who are equally elusive, but I know their reasons for it. Work is often hectic and unpredictable, or just time-consuming. Some live miles away, so we don't get together often. I don't have an issue with that. I don't live a life where I can just drop everything for a beer or coffee, so I do understand.

What I don't understand is, just not giving a shit about me any more, when they say they are my friend. No returning calls, replying to emails or texts, yet then ringing me randomly for a long chat and being the lovely person they can be.

So, when is it time to say enough is enough?

Monday, January 24, 2011


When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

Friday, January 14, 2011

It's A Trap.

Magaly from Pagan Culture is trying out a new challenge, getting her readers to write pagan styley fiction in less that 113 words. This blatantly isn't 113 words, but I thought I would share it anyway. (It isn't that Pagan either, more Urban Fantasy!) :P

It’s A Trap!

The bar isn't too busy. Enough people to make a pleasant evening, but not too many that you feel cramped and in danger of having one’s drink spilt. I walk to the bar, and smile at my favourite bartender.

I sit on a barstool, and he pours me a large glass of red wine. He knows me well so I know that I will not be harassed by unwanted attention whilst I sit there. I am wearing the classic little black dress, ala Audrey Hepburn, stockings and killer high heels. I have made some heads turn as I walked through the bar. That is how it should be, but other than that, it really doesn’t interest me.

I look at around the place, its décor is very modern, lots of mirrors and crystal, which makes for a charmingly glittery effect. There are tables lining most of the walls, with dividers providing some semblance of privacy. Plush black velvet and leather seats are filled with young beautiful people vying with each other for attention and adoration. In the corner of the bar, there is an old school Wurlitzer jukebox. At the moment it is playing The Eagles, Hotel California. Oddly fitting for this particular time and place.

I continue to sit at the bar. Occasionally I turn to watch who is entering through the doors. I am not looking for anyone in particular, but I will know him when he walks in. I have to sweetly discourage many men and a few women, who approach me for my attention. Sometimes not so sweetly, but my barman will come to my rescue if he thinks I need it. I don’t need it. But still…

Ah, there he is. He has just walked in with a group of whom I assume are his friends. They glance my way. Then look for a little longer, the men with undisguised interest, the women with undisguised envy. He smiles shyly at me, using his boyish good looks to his advantage. It works, he is adorable, so I repay him with a slight raising of my glass and small smile.

The jukebox has now started playing Soft Cell’s Tainted Love. This makes me smile more.

This new group of young people surround the pool table in the far end of the bar. It is opposite to me, so I can watch them without distraction. They know I am watching them, I see the dirty looks from the young women and the sniggers from the young men. After half an hour of watching them attempt to play pool, with the ubiquitous immature flirting from the young women, I see my boyish one pull out his wallet to head toward the bar. To me. One of the young women, the blonde one who seems to think that he is interested in her follows like a little puppy. It saddens me slightly to see a woman to act like this, but she will learn as we all do at some point.

I slowly drain the last of my wine, as he arrives at the bar. He pushes through, and manages to secure a place about arms length away from me. His puppy tries to get as close to him as she possibly can. She glares at me over his arms as he orders his and his friends’ drinks. The barman clears away my empty wineglass, and as the young man notices, he turns to me and offers to buy me another. Of course I accept graciously, and when he asks if I would like to join him and his friends, well, it would be rude not to say yes…

I carry my glass over to the pool table, the barman looks at me with a question in his eyes, but it does not reach his mouth. As I walk, the jukebox starts to play Kylie and Nick Cave’s Where The Wild Roses Grow.

The boys of the group start to snigger as I join them. It becomes very apparent that whatever age they are, they are still just boys. I watch them play pool for a while. The brunette girl attempts to engage me in conversation, and she is a lovely young thing, so I play nicely and answer her questions. The blonde one just sits as far away from me without leaving the group flinging her sulky dirty looks at me at any given moment.

One of the young men approaches me laughing and asks me if I would like to play a game of pool. I smile and ask him, what if I am a hustler? I could take you for everything you have? He goes to walk away, thinking I won’t take him up on his offer. However, I follow him to the table and take the cue from his hands.

After beating him by making it look like a fluke, they push their star player to the table. This would be James, my boy full of innocent charm. He blushes as he comes towards me. I promise him I will be gentle with him. For now. And then I wipe the table with him barely getting a shot in.

At this the ice is well and truly broken, and I spend the rest of the evening in their pleasant, but exuberant company.

As the night goes on, the ambience of the bar changes. The lights go down, and the place becomes more intimate and perhaps a little more dangerous. The clientele becomes edgier and hard, but my little group of children are too busy playing to notice. The brunette girl goes home with one of the lads who I presume is her boyfriend, and I see that the little sulky blonde one has given up on my boy and is trying her luck at the bar with my favourite bartender.

This leaves me with my boy. The remainder of his friends see that he is otherwise occupied and go home. The boy and I talk about anything and everything. His delightful chatter rains down on my ears and I smile at him as he talks.

I look at my watch as my instincts tell me that it is approaching closing time. I look at the bar, and can no longer see the blonde girl. I presume that she has left.

The boy asks me if I wish to continue the night with him. I tell him that I had already made my decision about that when he walked into the bar. He picks up my coat and helps me into it, surprising me a little with such gentlemanly manners. He finishes his drink, takes me hand and leads me out of the doorway.

The bar is set back somewhat from the main road, and the approach leading to it is insufficiently lit for safety. My young man uses this to his advantage to pull me close to him as we walk along the pavement.

There is a small alleyway to the side. He pulls me in, and looks down at me, smiling with that well known look in his eye. I raise my head to his, and feel his exploring lips and then tongue touch my mouth. I place my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me, feeling his body next to mine. He hungrily kisses down my jaw line, and to my neck. I respond in kind and run my fingers through his hair.

I reach his neck, and start to kiss it as fervently as he has just kissed mine. I hear his moan of pleasure as I nip him gently with my teeth. He doesn’t notice when the nips become sharper and deeper, and I hear his breath shudder as I start to take his blood. I hear music playing from the jukebox. It is the last song of the night. The lyrics of Queen’s Who Wants To Live Forever has always haunted me…

Song lyrics that accompany this story.

Hotel California" by The Eagles Ó The Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Soft Cell – Tainted Love Ó Marc Almond

Sometimes I feel I've got to

Run away I've got to

Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you’ll think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way


Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)

Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue – Where The Wild Roses Grow Ó Nick Cave & Kylie


They call me The Wild Rose
But my name was Elisa Day
Why they call me it I do not know
For my name was Elisa Day

From the first day I saw her I knew she was the one
As she stared in my eyes and smiled
For her lips were the colour of the roses
They grew down the river, all bloody and wild

When he knocked on my door and entered the room
My trembling subsided in his sure embrace
He would be my first man, and with a careful hand
He wiped the tears that ran down my face


On the second day I brought her a flower
She was more beautiful than any woman I'd seen
I said, 'Do you know where the wild roses grow
So sweet and scarlet and free?'

On the second day he came with a single rose
Said: 'Will you give me your loss and your sorrow?'
I nodded my head, as I laid on the bed
He said, 'If I show you the roses will you follow?'


On the third day he took me to the river
He showed me the roses and we kissed
And the last thing I heard was a muttered word
As he stood smiling above me with a rock in his fist

On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow
And she lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief
As I kissed her goodbye, I said, 'All beauty must die'
And lent down and planted a rose between her teeth


Queen – Who Wants To Live Forever

Words and music by Brian May

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

101/1001 Days Countdown.

Approximately 1 year and 3 months left to go...


I need to pull my finger out.


New Job

No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.

I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.

I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Crossposted from another of my blogs.

Magaly from Pagan Culture wrote an interesting blogpost about Dark Magick. It reminded me of a post I wrote in response to something a few months back. I don't believe in black or white magick. Magick in itself is completely amoral. It is the intent of the magickian that "colours" it. I could send out the most "loving gift" with the intent of completely messing up someone's life. (Think of the gift of Fertility. To someone who really doesn't want to have that kind of responsibilty.) Or I could use some really hardcore scary hexing to get rid of the cancer of a loved one...
Some crap happened to us a while ago. Nothing really that serious, just nasty. I posted about it elsewhere, and had a comment about how I shouldn't do anything about it, that Karma would sort it out, etc, etc... Then on another forum I am on, said poster asked a community we are on. "Is there a place for retaliation magic in Goddess Spirituality?

Nemesis, Erinyes, Durga, Kali, The Morrighan, Arianrhod all suggest to me that there is a place for this kind of magick and I personally think it is quite blinkered to feel that there aren't times and situations when action and response is required that perhaps isn't as "nice" as people would like it to be. The idea that this propagates misery, Badness, and all things horrible is very simplistic and doesn't take into account that sometimes Not Nice things should to be done. There is a reason why Revenge Is Best Served Cold. It means that it should be thought through, all pros and cons considered, all repercussions and consequences realised and then the decision is made whether to follow through.

I can do it, and I will do it if I have to.

I agree with a lot of what The Witch of Forest Grove has to say about it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Meme that is doing the rounds.

B A S I C S //

Do you have a magical/Pagan name? Yes, although I don't tend to use it that often.

What does it mean? Something personal.

How did you find Paganism? Always into the weird and wonderful, but started getting more serious in my teens, visiting sacred sites and the like. Realised that it was a label that I could work with, even if it wasn't completely accurate.

How long have you been practicing? About 20 odd years now. Which is a long time considering.

Solitary or group practitioner? Over the years, a bit of both.

What is your path? Mine.

Are you out of the broom closet? Half and half. Most people know, I don't lie about it, but a select few people (family members) don't know, as they don't need to know.

D E I T Y //

Who is your patron God? Don't really have one. The God I associate the most with would be Cernunnous.

Who is your patron Goddess? Again, if I was to have them, they would be Brigid and Blodeuwedd

What Gods do you worship? I don't worship any Gods. I revere and respect Them and the relationships with them.

Do you fear darkly aspected Gods/Goddess, or rather respect them? Umm, well since I am not going to piss them off, why do I need to be scared of them.

Do you worship the Christian God? No. Why would I want to do that? :P

Do you ever worship animals? No. I respect them and their sacredness, but not worship.

Or plants? Ditto

N A T U R E //

Do you regularly commune with nature? I try to, but probably not as much as I would like and should. (Other than being part of it, iykwim.)

Ever walked barefoot in the woods? Yes.

Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature? Yes.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth? Probably on holiday in Cornwall or Wales in the beaches.

Do you have a familiar? No. I would be willing to have an Animal partner that wished to join me in my Workings, (which is probably what most people consider to be a familiar) but the actual meaning of a Familiar is a spirit you have conjured up to aid you, and it can inhabit the body of an animal that you have used for that purpose. Not really very nice.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual? No, actually I don't think I have.

Or a plant? Yes.

Do you hug trees? Yes.

Give them gifts? Yes.

What is your favourite flower to work with? I don't really have a favourite. It would all depend on what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I do however have a softspot for tulips.

What is your favourite tree to work with? I do like Oak a lot.

W H E E L . O F . T H E . Y E A R //

What is your favourite holiday? I don't really have one. I do like Samhain and Yule though.

What is your least favourite holiday? Probably Midsummer. I never seem to get organised to do anything for it.

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday? Yes.

Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a Pagan holiday? Nope.

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25? Of course.

Have you ever felt the veil thin? Yes.

Ever danced the Maypole? No.

Know what the Maypole symbolizes? Yes.

How do you usually celebrate the Pagan holidays? I always acknowledge them, but I don't make enough of a big deal out of them as I should. It is something I am working on.

D I V I N A T I O N //

Do you use Tarot? Yes.

Do you use runes? No, but I do want to learn them. (And now I have the tools to make my own!)

Do you use a pendulum? Yes. One of the easiest forms of divination that there is. I have been doing it since I was about 12, as I remember doing it in the girls changing room at my Lower School.

Do you use dowsing rods? No, I have a pair, but haven't tried them yet.

Do you use astrology? Sort of. I use Natal charts and the like, but the daily horoscopes are a load of old hokum.

Any other form of divination? Oracle cards. And I would like to make Witch Stones.

S P E L L S //

What was the first spell you did? I actually can't remember that.

What was the latest? Probably one to do with Neil's work.

Ever done a love spell? Yes.

A job spell? Yes.

A healing spell? Yes.

What was the most powerful spell you’ve ever performed? Powerful is a loaded word, but the one with the most drastic results, was one for a friend who was being sexually harassed and bullied in a very nasty way. Perpetrator lost their job, and got deported...!

What deities do you usually call on? Umm, depends on what I am doing.

C R Y P T O Z O O L O G Y //

Do you believe in Vampires? Not in the literal "I vant to suck your blood" sense.

Werewolves? Nope.

Shapeshifters? Meh.

Elves? Yes, in the sense they are a type of Fae.

Faeries? Yes.

Dragons? Yes.

Nymphs? Dunno.

Sprites? Type of Fae.

Mermaids? Type of Fae.

Sirens? Dunno.

Satyrs? Dunno.

Ever “seen” any of the above? Yes.

Ever talked to any of the above? Yes.

Ever used any of the above in magic? Nope.

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian? No.

R A N D O M //

Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon? Umm, none of those.

Own a cat? Own? No, I have a cat who shares my home with me.

When you meditate, what does your happy place look like? A woodland glade with pool.

Do you work with Chakras? Not as much as I should

Do you believe in past lives? Yes.

If so, describe a few of them... Apparently I was a Tavern Wench waiting for my long lost Love to come home from sea. And the other I was a Priestess on a Matrifocal, Polyamorous island. (I like that one!)

Do you believe in soul mates? Yes. I think you can have lots.

Do you have a spirit guide? Don't know. I haven't really ever investigated.

Is it always love and l
ight? Yes. And darkness, and chocolate.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Typical Hysterical Jugglings and Waffle

I want to be Vegan. I am pretty much Vegetarian most of the time (although I had some major slippage over the holidays, but am getting back on track now.) I don't eat dairy whatever, as it does Bad Things to me, so when combined with the veggism, I am about 65% on the way to being fully vegan, since I don't eat that many eggs.

Why I would like to be Vegan.
I think it is an ethical thing to do. The meat and dairy/egg industry is not nice in any way, shape or form. By abstaining from their products, I am no longer condoning an industry that has a devastating environmental effect on our world. Neither am I part of a business that sees animals/meat as a commodity to be bought and sold, and treated as a Thing rather than a Living Being.
It seems to be a healthier option for me. I take care over what I eat, and I plan and create interesting menus. If the added bonus that it helps me lose weight, then cool bananas as well.

However, I have several dilemmas that I am working through. As a Witch, I am very aware that Death is an integral part of Life, and that I, as a human being cannot survive in this world without something sacrificing its life for me. Whether that be plant or animal. Seeing the world as all interlinked and all Life being part of each other, on a spiritual level, how can I rationalise one form of Life over another?
On an environmental level, agriculture is not always the best use for land. Although we have taken raising animals for meat to an obscene extreme, there is an argument that says we need a certain amount of animals on the land to maintain the natural environment. Think sheep grazing on lowlands, they eat the grass that if left to its own devices would decimate the local flora. They are a part of the "circle of life" and to remove them from the ecosystem (which is the ultimate conclusion to veganism) then that ecosystem is destroyed.
What do I do with all my old animal products? Make up and toiletries with honey in them. Leather shoes, bags, boots, coats, etc... Wool? The list goes on and on.

I am not a WhiteLighter Witch. I am a Sweat, Spit, Blood and Shit kinda Witch. I am not scared of getting my hands dirty when I need to. So where does this leave Veganism?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year Blogpost

It has to be done really. Even if I don't have masses to say at the moment. Crimble and my birthday were a plague ridden washout. It could have been lovely, since my BF came over with her zillions of children on Crimble Eve Eve, but Hubs and I came down with plague. I think they had a good time, but I was too sick to be as involved as I wanted to be. When my parents got back from their week away on Boxing Day I was very relieved as it meant my mum could take over being hostess with the mostest.

We were meant to be going to a NYE party, but although we were better (antibiotics ftw) we weren't back to normal, and I think the trip in and out of central London would have killed us. So instead Neil watched Van Helsing, and I went to bed at 10pm and completely bypassed NY. Whoop...I am so hardcore...

NYs Resolutions have been made, but they aren't very exciting. The main one being as normal, to get healthy. We eat too much takeaway (takeout) because of lack of organisation, energy and time. It isn't good for us, and makes for some very bad eating habits.

I need to get more Witchy, and do Stuff. I have been a bit of an ArmChair Pagan of late, which I don't want to be.

I need to get on with more of my 1001/101 list. I am slowly getting through it, but it is still definitely a work in progress.

There is other stuff going on in my head, but I am still processing it through. I am aware that a lot of it is probably PreMenstral Navel Gazing, but we shall see how it goes.