Loyalty

I am probably a bit too loyal.

If I have made the decision to be your friend, then it takes an awful lot for me to end that friendship. Only when I have had my heart pulled out and trampled on will I walk away. And even then, under some circumstances I will let them back in if they had a good enough reason for being so horrid in the first place.

So it is really really hard for me to deal with a friend who says they are my friend, want to continue to be my friend, but make bugger all effort in actually BEING a friend. I give them so much slack, but it hurts when I feel like they don't care.

I have other friends who are equally elusive, but I know their reasons for it. Work is often hectic and unpredictable, or just time-consuming. Some live miles away, so we don't get together often. I don't have an issue with that. I don't live a life where I can just drop everything for a beer or coffee, so I do understand.

What I don't understand is, just not giving a shit about me any more, when they say they are my friend. No returning calls, replying to emails or texts, yet then ringing me randomly for a long chat and being the lovely person they can be.

So, when is it time to say enough is enough?

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

New Job

No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.

I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.

I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.

Blah.

Typical Hysterical Jugglings and Waffle

I want to be Vegan. I am pretty much Vegetarian most of the time (although I had some major slippage over the holidays, but am getting back on track now.) I don't eat dairy whatever, as it does Bad Things to me, so when combined with the veggism, I am about 65% on the way to being fully vegan, since I don't eat that many eggs.

Why I would like to be Vegan.

I think it is an ethical thing to do. The meat and dairy/egg industry is not nice in any way, shape or form. By abstaining from their products, I am no longer condoning an industry that has a devastating environmental effect on our world. Neither am I part of a business that sees animals/meat as a commodity to be bought and sold, and treated as a Thing rather than a Living Being.

It seems to be a healthier option for me. I take care over what I eat, and I plan and create interesting menus. If the added bonus that it helps me lose weight, then cool bananas as well.

However, I have several dilemmas that I am working through. As a Witch, I am very aware that Death is an integral part of Life, and that I, as a human being cannot survive in this world without something sacrificing its life for me. Whether that be plant or animal. Seeing the world as all interlinked and all Life being part of each other, on a spiritual level, how can I rationalise one form of Life over another?

On an environmental level, agriculture is not always the best use for land. Although we have taken raising animals for meat to an obscene extreme, there is an argument that says we need a certain amount of animals on the land to maintain the natural environment. Think sheep grazing on lowlands, they eat the grass that if left to its own devices would decimate the local flora. They are a part of the "circle of life" and to remove them from the ecosystem (which is the ultimate conclusion to veganism) then that ecosystem is destroyed.

What do I do with all my old animal products? Make up and toiletries with honey in them. Leather shoes, bags, boots, coats, etc... Wool? The list goes on and on.

I am not a WhiteLighter Witch. I am a Sweat, Spit, Blood and Shit kinda Witch. I am not scared of getting my hands dirty when I need to. So where does this leave Veganism?

ConDemned

It looks like the Liberal Democrats are going to make a coalition government with the Conservatives. My title for my previous post seems very apt. We are being Hung Out To Dry.

I can't imagine that there is a Liberal Democrat out there at grassroots level who actually wants this to happen. The only good thing that could possibly come out of this, is that the Tories will make a complete pigs ear out of it, and will be voted out again within a year. However, as much as that would be a good thing to happen, in the meantime the damage would have already been done. Both to this country and to the Liberal Democrats.

I CANNOT see how a Liberal Democrat can get into bed with a Conservative. Their political views are just so different from each other.

My Biggest Flaw

Is probably PROCRASTINATION.

I seem to find lots of ways to not get on with what I need to get on with. For a start, I could be doing housework, as my daughter is napping. What am I doing? Blogging. About procrastinating. Yeah...

It's one of the reasons why I started the 101/1001 thing. Listing all the things I want to achieve makes them more real and I am more likely to actually do them.

But why do I procrastinate so much? I think a lot of it may be boredom if I am honest. I am not one of these Domestic Goddesses that loves housework. Much rather be a Domestic Slut! (Slut in the sense of messy and not very houseproud, not the sexualised version. See here, Domestic Sluttery) I loathe housework, it never ends. As soon as I get anything put away and tidy, it gets pulled out, used and left. So yes. Boredom is a major factor.

I suppose I can give myself credit that I don't tend to procrastinate about the Big Things. If something of importance has to be done, I usually get on and do it. Which is odd. If I do the biggies, why do the little things get ignored?

Perhaps some of it is Fear. Am I scared of going the whole hog on certain areas of my life because I am unsure of the outcomes or that I might not manage it? I do know I certainly hate failure. And having cocked up things like driving tests more than once, twice...(cough, and the rest!) I do not have any inclination of doing it again! Like my Maths GCSE. I don't have a grade sufficient to go into Teacher Training. I know I should just do it again, and then at least it opens up the option of TT in the future, but how will I feel if I fail it again?

Another factor to consider is Confusion. I really don't know what I am doing or where I am going at the moment. Some of that is because of an outside influence that I have no mundane control over, (however magick is being flung in it's direction to sort it out!) It does mean that we are stuck in this situation until it is sorted out. So even if I had any big plans they would be put in on hold.

I want to have some big plans though. I want to know that I have a future doing what I enjoy, is worthwhile, and while it doesn't have to make loads of money, a comfortable income would be appreciated. But when you just don't have a Scooby as to what you want to do, it makes it difficult to plan things.

So how do I sort this out? Any ideas? :P

Boredom is only sorted by doing Not Boring things. Housework is never going to be interesting to me. Could I hire a cleaner? Not really. Get the family to help. LOL! Yeah. Working Hubs tries to help, but is at work lots. DS is nearly 8, and DD is 1 and a half. Not really going to happen. DS does help to a point, but then makes mess elsewhere.

Fear. If I stopped failing at things, then I might not be so afraid of failure. Self defeating I am aware, but it doesn't change that feeling. Maybe do some tasks that I won't fail at? Aiming to do that with the 101/1001 list. I know that no-one thinks bad of me if I don't always succeed, but my Capricorn self has a really really hard time accepting it.

Confusion. I really really need a plan. I think that has to be my priority.

Well, that's it folks. Any advice on stopping procrastination would be appreciated, but be nice, since telling me to get off my lazy arse won't really help me much. (I say it to myself enough.)