Loyalty

I am probably a bit too loyal.

If I have made the decision to be your friend, then it takes an awful lot for me to end that friendship. Only when I have had my heart pulled out and trampled on will I walk away. And even then, under some circumstances I will let them back in if they had a good enough reason for being so horrid in the first place.

So it is really really hard for me to deal with a friend who says they are my friend, want to continue to be my friend, but make bugger all effort in actually BEING a friend. I give them so much slack, but it hurts when I feel like they don't care.

I have other friends who are equally elusive, but I know their reasons for it. Work is often hectic and unpredictable, or just time-consuming. Some live miles away, so we don't get together often. I don't have an issue with that. I don't live a life where I can just drop everything for a beer or coffee, so I do understand.

What I don't understand is, just not giving a shit about me any more, when they say they are my friend. No returning calls, replying to emails or texts, yet then ringing me randomly for a long chat and being the lovely person they can be.

So, when is it time to say enough is enough?

Overemotional?

When people meet me for the first time, and possibly for a few more times, they seem to get the impression that I am a hard-nosed cow. And tbh, I probably am. It takes a long time for me to be completely open with someone, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. It wasn't always like that. Too often I would meet someone that I felt had a certain kindred spirit quality about them, and I would burn too hot, reveal too much, and get my fingers burnt.

I could be too enthusiastic, too full on, and too much. No one seemed to be able to cope with the unabashed me. So the walls went up. And up and up.

The problem with these Great Walls of Hysterical Juggling means that all the emotion and feeling that would spew forth with abandon is kept in, safe and quiet to the outside, yet constantly bubbling away like a great big Cauldron of Power. Occasionally it erupts and can be a force for good or for evil depending on the situation.

I need to be able to dismantle these walls, but rein the emotional abundance in. I know there is nothing wrong with emotion, but mine have always seem to frighten people. They just don't GET it, they don't GET me.

However, I am very much getting to the stage in life where I don't care about that anymore.

Does it matter that I cry at mushy films, at poetry, at music, in empathy to someone on the telly, in real life etc?

Does it matter that I have to turn off the news because I become overwhelmed by the sadness, trauma, hatred that we are constantly bombarded with?

Is it wrong that the more I hear about the state of the world and what the "governments" of the world are doing to it, and I want to scream in their faces "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Is it wrong to want to teach my children survivalist skills, because I am coming to the conclusion that they, or their children are going to need them?

Am I the only one that wants to wear pink leopard spotted high heels, dance on tables, drunk on red wine, kissing strangers and jumping in fountains?

Am I the only one that wants to run through the woods at night, and skinnydip in the moonlight?

Am I the only one that looks at a life that isn't bad in any way, but it isn't the life that they ever expected...?

I couldn't help myself

see more Lol Celebs

It's A Trap.

Magaly from Pagan Culture is trying out a new challenge, getting her readers to write pagan styley fiction in less that 113 words. This blatantly isn't 113 words, but I thought I would share it anyway. (It isn't that Pagan either, more Urban Fantasy!) :P

It’s A Trap!

The bar isn't too busy. Enough people to make a pleasant evening, but not too many that you feel cramped and in danger of having one’s drink spilt. I walk to the bar, and smile at my favourite bartender.

I sit on a barstool, and he pours me a large glass of red wine. He knows me well so I know that I will not be harassed by unwanted attention whilst I sit there. I am wearing the classic little black dress, ala Audrey Hepburn, stockings and killer high heels. I have made some heads turn as I walked through the bar. That is how it should be, but other than that, it really doesn’t interest me.

I look at around the place, its décor is very modern, lots of mirrors and crystal, which makes for a charmingly glittery effect. There are tables lining most of the walls, with dividers providing some semblance of privacy. Plush black velvet and leather seats are filled with young beautiful people vying with each other for attention and adoration. In the corner of the bar, there is an old school Wurlitzer jukebox. At the moment it is playing The Eagles, Hotel California. Oddly fitting for this particular time and place.

I continue to sit at the bar. Occasionally I turn to watch who is entering through the doors. I am not looking for anyone in particular, but I will know him when he walks in. I have to sweetly discourage many men and a few women, who approach me for my attention. Sometimes not so sweetly, but my barman will come to my rescue if he thinks I need it. I don’t need it. But still…

Ah, there he is. He has just walked in with a group of whom I assume are his friends. They glance my way. Then look for a little longer, the men with undisguised interest, the women with undisguised envy. He smiles shyly at me, using his boyish good looks to his advantage. It works, he is adorable, so I repay him with a slight raising of my glass and small smile.

The jukebox has now started playing Soft Cell’s Tainted Love. This makes me smile more.

This new group of young people surround the pool table in the far end of the bar. It is opposite to me, so I can watch them without distraction. They know I am watching them, I see the dirty looks from the young women and the sniggers from the young men. After half an hour of watching them attempt to play pool, with the ubiquitous immature flirting from the young women, I see my boyish one pull out his wallet to head toward the bar. To me. One of the young women, the blonde one who seems to think that he is interested in her follows like a little puppy. It saddens me slightly to see a woman to act like this, but she will learn as we all do at some point.

I slowly drain the last of my wine, as he arrives at the bar. He pushes through, and manages to secure a place about arms length away from me. His puppy tries to get as close to him as she possibly can. She glares at me over his arms as he orders his and his friends’ drinks. The barman clears away my empty wineglass, and as the young man notices, he turns to me and offers to buy me another. Of course I accept graciously, and when he asks if I would like to join him and his friends, well, it would be rude not to say yes…

I carry my glass over to the pool table, the barman looks at me with a question in his eyes, but it does not reach his mouth. As I walk, the jukebox starts to play Kylie and Nick Cave’s Where The Wild Roses Grow.

The boys of the group start to snigger as I join them. It becomes very apparent that whatever age they are, they are still just boys. I watch them play pool for a while. The brunette girl attempts to engage me in conversation, and she is a lovely young thing, so I play nicely and answer her questions. The blonde one just sits as far away from me without leaving the group flinging her sulky dirty looks at me at any given moment.

One of the young men approaches me laughing and asks me if I would like to play a game of pool. I smile and ask him, what if I am a hustler? I could take you for everything you have? He goes to walk away, thinking I won’t take him up on his offer. However, I follow him to the table and take the cue from his hands.

After beating him by making it look like a fluke, they push their star player to the table. This would be James, my boy full of innocent charm. He blushes as he comes towards me. I promise him I will be gentle with him. For now. And then I wipe the table with him barely getting a shot in.

At this the ice is well and truly broken, and I spend the rest of the evening in their pleasant, but exuberant company.

As the night goes on, the ambience of the bar changes. The lights go down, and the place becomes more intimate and perhaps a little more dangerous. The clientele becomes edgier and hard, but my little group of children are too busy playing to notice. The brunette girl goes home with one of the lads who I presume is her boyfriend, and I see that the little sulky blonde one has given up on my boy and is trying her luck at the bar with my favourite bartender.

This leaves me with my boy. The remainder of his friends see that he is otherwise occupied and go home. The boy and I talk about anything and everything. His delightful chatter rains down on my ears and I smile at him as he talks.

I look at my watch as my instincts tell me that it is approaching closing time. I look at the bar, and can no longer see the blonde girl. I presume that she has left.

The boy asks me if I wish to continue the night with him. I tell him that I had already made my decision about that when he walked into the bar. He picks up my coat and helps me into it, surprising me a little with such gentlemanly manners. He finishes his drink, takes me hand and leads me out of the doorway.

The bar is set back somewhat from the main road, and the approach leading to it is insufficiently lit for safety. My young man uses this to his advantage to pull me close to him as we walk along the pavement.

There is a small alleyway to the side. He pulls me in, and looks down at me, smiling with that well known look in his eye. I raise my head to his, and feel his exploring lips and then tongue touch my mouth. I place my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me, feeling his body next to mine. He hungrily kisses down my jaw line, and to my neck. I respond in kind and run my fingers through his hair.

I reach his neck, and start to kiss it as fervently as he has just kissed mine. I hear his moan of pleasure as I nip him gently with my teeth. He doesn’t notice when the nips become sharper and deeper, and I hear his breath shudder as I start to take his blood. I hear music playing from the jukebox. It is the last song of the night. The lyrics of Queen’s Who Wants To Live Forever has always haunted me…

Song lyrics that accompany this story.

Hotel California" by The Eagles Ó The Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Soft Cell – Tainted Love Ó Marc Almond

Sometimes I feel I've got to

Run away I've got to

Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you’ll think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)

Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue – Where The Wild Roses Grow Ó Nick Cave & Kylie

CHORUS:

They call me The Wild Rose
But my name was Elisa Day
Why they call me it I do not know
For my name was Elisa Day

From the first day I saw her I knew she was the one
As she stared in my eyes and smiled
For her lips were the colour of the roses
They grew down the river, all bloody and wild

When he knocked on my door and entered the room
My trembling subsided in his sure embrace
He would be my first man, and with a careful hand
He wiped the tears that ran down my face

CHORUS

On the second day I brought her a flower
She was more beautiful than any woman I'd seen
I said, 'Do you know where the wild roses grow
So sweet and scarlet and free?'

On the second day he came with a single rose
Said: 'Will you give me your loss and your sorrow?'
I nodded my head, as I laid on the bed
He said, 'If I show you the roses will you follow?'

CHORUS

On the third day he took me to the river
He showed me the roses and we kissed
And the last thing I heard was a muttered word
As he stood smiling above me with a rock in his fist

On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow
And she lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief
As I kissed her goodbye, I said, 'All beauty must die'
And lent down and planted a rose between her teeth

CHORUS

Queen – Who Wants To Live Forever

Words and music by Brian May

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

101/1001 Days Countdown.

Approximately 1 year and 3 months left to go...

Hmmmmm...

I need to pull my finger out.

:P

New Job

No. I haven't got one. But the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to seriously start thinking about it. I am in the process of trying to open some more doors for myself on that front, (maths GCSE in June, which could lead onto PGCE etc.) But that is only one path, and as per usual, I am having my doubts about whether that is the path for me.

I really dislike being pushed into doing stuff, and people assuming that I am going to do this, that and the other. I do feel a little bit like that at the moment. So many expectations of me to become a teacher, because apparently I would be good at it. But then I see the political nonsense that my mum and Neil have to deal with and it just makes me want to run away screaming.

I really don't know what else to do though. I am too bloody worthy for my own good sometimes, as I want to do something useful and interesting.

Blah.

Crossposted from another of my blogs.

Magaly from Pagan Culture wrote an interesting blogpost about Dark Magick. It reminded me of a post I wrote in response to something a few months back. I don't believe in black or white magick. Magick in itself is completely amoral. It is the intent of the magickian that "colours" it. I could send out the most "loving gift" with the intent of completely messing up someone's life. (Think of the gift of Fertility. To someone who really doesn't want to have that kind of responsibilty.) Or I could use some really hardcore scary hexing to get rid of the cancer of a loved one...

Some crap happened to us a while ago. Nothing really that serious, just nasty. I posted about it elsewhere, and had a comment about how I shouldn't do anything about it, that Karma would sort it out, etc, etc... Then on another forum I am on, said poster asked a community we are on. "Is there a place for retaliation magic in Goddess Spirituality?

Nemesis, Erinyes, Durga, Kali, The Morrighan, Arianrhod all suggest to me that there is a place for this kind of magick and I personally think it is quite blinkered to feel that there aren't times and situations when action and response is required that perhaps isn't as "nice" as people would like it to be. The idea that this propagates misery, Badness, and all things horrible is very simplistic and doesn't take into account that sometimes Not Nice things should to be done. There is a reason why Revenge Is Best Served Cold. It means that it should be thought through, all pros and cons considered, all repercussions and consequences realised and then the decision is made whether to follow through.

I can do it, and I will do it if I have to.

I agree with a lot of what The Witch of Forest Grove has to say about it.

A Meme that is doing the rounds.

B A S I C S //

Do you have a magical/Pagan name? Yes, although I don't tend to use it that often.

What does it mean? Something personal.

How did you find Paganism? Always into the weird and wonderful, but started getting more serious in my teens, visiting sacred sites and the like. Realised that it was a label that I could work with, even if it wasn't completely accurate.

How long have you been practicing? About 20 odd years now. Which is a long time considering.

Solitary or group practitioner? Over the years, a bit of both.

What is your path? Mine.

Are you out of the broom closet? Half and half. Most people know, I don't lie about it, but a select few people (family members) don't know, as they don't need to know.


D E I T Y //

Who is your patron God? Don't really have one. The God I associate the most with would be Cernunnous.

Who is your patron Goddess? Again, if I was to have them, they would be Brigid and Blodeuwedd

What Gods do you worship? I don't worship any Gods. I revere and respect Them and the relationships with them.

Do you fear darkly aspected Gods/Goddess, or rather respect them? Umm, well since I am not going to piss them off, why do I need to be scared of them.

Do you worship the Christian God? No. Why would I want to do that? :P

Do you ever worship animals? No. I respect them and their sacredness, but not worship.

Or plants? Ditto



N A T U R E //

Do you regularly commune with nature? I try to, but probably not as much as I would like and should. (Other than being part of it, iykwim.)

Ever walked barefoot in the woods? Yes.

Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature? Yes.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth? Probably on holiday in Cornwall or Wales in the beaches.

Do you have a familiar? No. I would be willing to have an Animal partner that wished to join me in my Workings, (which is probably what most people consider to be a familiar) but the actual meaning of a Familiar is a spirit you have conjured up to aid you, and it can inhabit the body of an animal that you have used for that purpose. Not really very nice.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual? No, actually I don't think I have.

Or a plant? Yes.

Do you hug trees? Yes.

Give them gifts? Yes.

What is your favourite flower to work with? I don't really have a favourite. It would all depend on what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I do however have a softspot for tulips.

What is your favourite tree to work with? I do like Oak a lot.


W H E E L . O F . T H E . Y E A R //

What is your favourite holiday? I don't really have one. I do like Samhain and Yule though.

What is your least favourite holiday? Probably Midsummer. I never seem to get organised to do anything for it.

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday? Yes.

Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a Pagan holiday? Nope.

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25? Of course.

Have you ever felt the veil thin? Yes.

Ever danced the Maypole? No.

Know what the Maypole symbolizes? Yes.

How do you usually celebrate the Pagan holidays? I always acknowledge them, but I don't make enough of a big deal out of them as I should. It is something I am working on.


D I V I N A T I O N //

Do you use Tarot? Yes.

Do you use runes? No, but I do want to learn them. (And now I have the tools to make my own!)

Do you use a pendulum? Yes. One of the easiest forms of divination that there is. I have been doing it since I was about 12, as I remember doing it in the girls changing room at my Lower School.

Do you use dowsing rods? No, I have a pair, but haven't tried them yet.

Do you use astrology? Sort of. I use Natal charts and the like, but the daily horoscopes are a load of old hokum.

Any other form of divination? Oracle cards. And I would like to make Witch Stones.


S P E L L S //

What was the first spell you did? I actually can't remember that.

What was the latest? Probably one to do with Neil's work.

Ever done a love spell? Yes.

A job spell? Yes.

A healing spell? Yes.

What was the most powerful spell you’ve ever performed? Powerful is a loaded word, but the one with the most drastic results, was one for a friend who was being sexually harassed and bullied in a very nasty way. Perpetrator lost their job, and got deported...!

What deities do you usually call on? Umm, depends on what I am doing.


C R Y P T O Z O O L O G Y //

Do you believe in Vampires? Not in the literal "I vant to suck your blood" sense.

Werewolves? Nope.

Shapeshifters? Meh.

Elves? Yes, in the sense they are a type of Fae.

Faeries? Yes.

Dragons? Yes.

Nymphs? Dunno.

Sprites? Type of Fae.

Mermaids? Type of Fae.

Sirens? Dunno.

Satyrs? Dunno.

Ever “seen” any of the above? Yes.

Ever talked to any of the above? Yes.

Ever used any of the above in magic? Nope.

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian? No.


R A N D O M //

Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon? Umm, none of those.

Own a cat? Own? No, I have a cat who shares my home with me.

When you meditate, what does your happy place look like? A woodland glade with pool.

Do you work with Chakras? Not as much as I should

Do you believe in past lives? Yes.

If so, describe a few of them... Apparently I was a Tavern Wench waiting for my long lost Love to come home from sea. And the other I was a Priestess on a Matrifocal, Polyamorous island. (I like that one!)

Do you believe in soul mates? Yes. I think you can have lots.

Do you have a spirit guide? Don't know. I haven't really ever investigated.

Is it always love and light? Yes. And darkness, and chocolate.

Typical Hysterical Jugglings and Waffle

I want to be Vegan. I am pretty much Vegetarian most of the time (although I had some major slippage over the holidays, but am getting back on track now.) I don't eat dairy whatever, as it does Bad Things to me, so when combined with the veggism, I am about 65% on the way to being fully vegan, since I don't eat that many eggs.

Why I would like to be Vegan.

I think it is an ethical thing to do. The meat and dairy/egg industry is not nice in any way, shape or form. By abstaining from their products, I am no longer condoning an industry that has a devastating environmental effect on our world. Neither am I part of a business that sees animals/meat as a commodity to be bought and sold, and treated as a Thing rather than a Living Being.

It seems to be a healthier option for me. I take care over what I eat, and I plan and create interesting menus. If the added bonus that it helps me lose weight, then cool bananas as well.

However, I have several dilemmas that I am working through. As a Witch, I am very aware that Death is an integral part of Life, and that I, as a human being cannot survive in this world without something sacrificing its life for me. Whether that be plant or animal. Seeing the world as all interlinked and all Life being part of each other, on a spiritual level, how can I rationalise one form of Life over another?

On an environmental level, agriculture is not always the best use for land. Although we have taken raising animals for meat to an obscene extreme, there is an argument that says we need a certain amount of animals on the land to maintain the natural environment. Think sheep grazing on lowlands, they eat the grass that if left to its own devices would decimate the local flora. They are a part of the "circle of life" and to remove them from the ecosystem (which is the ultimate conclusion to veganism) then that ecosystem is destroyed.

What do I do with all my old animal products? Make up and toiletries with honey in them. Leather shoes, bags, boots, coats, etc... Wool? The list goes on and on.

I am not a WhiteLighter Witch. I am a Sweat, Spit, Blood and Shit kinda Witch. I am not scared of getting my hands dirty when I need to. So where does this leave Veganism?

New Year Blogpost

It has to be done really. Even if I don't have masses to say at the moment. Crimble and my birthday were a plague ridden washout. It could have been lovely, since my BF came over with her zillions of children on Crimble Eve Eve, but Hubs and I came down with plague. I think they had a good time, but I was too sick to be as involved as I wanted to be. When my parents got back from their week away on Boxing Day I was very relieved as it meant my mum could take over being hostess with the mostest.

We were meant to be going to a NYE party, but although we were better (antibiotics ftw) we weren't back to normal, and I think the trip in and out of central London would have killed us. So instead Neil watched Van Helsing, and I went to bed at 10pm and completely bypassed NY. Whoop...I am so hardcore...

NYs Resolutions have been made, but they aren't very exciting. The main one being as normal, to get healthy. We eat too much takeaway (takeout) because of lack of organisation, energy and time. It isn't good for us, and makes for some very bad eating habits.

I need to get more Witchy, and do Stuff. I have been a bit of an ArmChair Pagan of late, which I don't want to be.

I need to get on with more of my 1001/101 list. I am slowly getting through it, but it is still definitely a work in progress.

There is other stuff going on in my head, but I am still processing it through. I am aware that a lot of it is probably PreMenstral Navel Gazing, but we shall see how it goes.